Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Another Wolf...

Hmm... this is something that was brought to my attention a few weeks ago. And it is pissing me off. And the Institutional Church wonders why people are leaving - why people don't trust them. 

As I have mentioned in a few of my posts, my former pastor turned out to be a sexual predator. Ugly. Messy. Painful. My best friend nearly destroyed. As I may or may not have mentioned before, the first pastor I was under (ages 0-4) was also a sexual predator. After I left the church a year and a half ago, I attended (casually) a local mega-church (wanting anonymity) and the senior pastor resigned then confessed to having an affair. Now this.

If you want to know the details, you can read about them here. In a nutshell, he is seducing women and extorting money from people in the name of God. Understand that this man is someone I know personally. I have taken him to dinner - given him money - regarded him as a man of God - looked up to him. Then the warning signs started - about the time I left the church. I have attended one of the meetings of this 'cult.' And it is a cult. And I am so pissed and so sad and so tired of this crap. I personally know some of the people he has 'taken advantage of.' They were friends (some still are, just not as close as we once were). And I see the carnage these men leave behind - broken lives. Damage that takes years to mend - if ever. And I feel the urge to inflict physical harm. I don't really want to and I would not act on it. But I have to say, there is not much that makes me more angry than this kind of shit. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust a minister again. (Sorry, if you are one, but...)

And I know some of the people that are still involved with this cult. And they will not hear. And I guess I just needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening. 

(I have some other things brewing for posts... once I adjust to the new work schedule. ;-) )

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

In My New Place...

Well, tonight is my sixth night in my new apartment. The numb is beginning to wear off. And I find myself crying tonight. 

I have finished the second day of my new job - training. The last couple of days have been rough. I have been physically wiped out - muscles so tired I could barely walk. Struggled to make it through the first day of training. Today was a little better. Have been waiting for my turn in the laundry room for 3 1/2 hours. Little things can be overwhelming when you are tired and hurting. 

I have been kind of on auto-pilot the last week or so - survival mode. Tonight, I am experiencing one of the deepest wounds of the abuse. I am feeling very alone and abandoned. And I am feeling guilty for that. I should be grateful that I am not living on the street. And I am. But where I live does not alter the wounds and their nature.

I'm not even sure I know how to put into words how it feels. There is a pain that runs so deep it is hard to even pin down and describe. If I let my guard down or something happens that pokes a hole in that guard, I begin to cry from my very toes. And I can't explain what is wrong. It just hurts. I don't trust that people, even my closest friend, will not just walk away - I'm not even sure that God doesn't sometimes orchestrate shifting people away from me for some purpose that is supposed to be for my greater good. And I am afraid - I have finally allowed someone inside the wall and I am afraid that they will leave - or God will lead them away - and I will be alone again.

And I know this is not rational. I am sorry for the rawness of this post. If you wanted to know what abuse does to someone, here you go. ;-) I would love to say that this will pass, but I can't because I don't know that it will. It hasn't so far in the 30+ years that I have been feeling it. 

I don't know how to trust. I am afraid to trust. Do I trust Papa God? Not completely. More than I used to? Maybe, a little. So what do I do? I don't know. Keep moving forward - hoping that the direction I am moving is forward. He tells me, "Relax and trust Me." I don't know how. I'm trying. I trying....