A Good Parent...

Hmm... it is time to go to bed, but I feel like I need to record this - and I thought I'd share...

This week has been a little rough - digging - looking deeper. My therapist gave me an assignment a couple of weeks ago to make a timeline of my life and then chart, using color coding, the different types of abuse that I experienced throughout my life. It wasn't easy. The night before I was to see her again (last Sunday night) I finally felt it forming in my mind, so I grabbed paper and pen and.... hmm... what emerged was a new concept to me: layers of abuse. I took each person that was abusive and then separated out what type of abuse - some were physical, others emotional, some both. Then the sexual. Anyway, there were points in my childhood when there were as many (or more) as 8 layers of abuse going on.

This has had me thinking a lot. I found a one-act play I wrote for a college class when I was 19. It's pretty cheesy, but the end - there is a soliloquy by the main character just before she kills herself. I was actually writing about a friend that had killed herself about 15 months before I wrote it. But that last bit - what I had her say - was me - a cry for help. What I wrote all those years ago still rings true. Interesting. As I write, I realize I am finally at the place where I can give myself permission to hurt. I am not embarrassed by what I wrote or what I felt anymore. I see it more clearly as not being a defect but damage that was not my fault. Hmm...

Tonight, I picked my Bible up and read it for the first time in 3 months. Some of you are probably thinking, "so?" Understand, I used to be religious about reading it every day. Had my own schedule worked out - did this for years - and well... But when I moved into my new place and away from family and started working, I quit. It wasn't premeditated. I just forgot. And when I would think about it, there was no desire and only flitting guilt (which for me is amazing). But a friend had shared something with me just after I moved in that actually helped...

"But regarding anything beyond this, dear friend, go easy. There is no end to the publishing of books, and constant study wears you out so you're no good for anything else. The last and final word is this: Fear God. Do what he tells you. And that's it. Eventually God will bring everything that we do out in the open and judge it according to its hidden intent, whether it's good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:12-14 (Message)

What I got from that at that time was - relax, you don't have to spend so much time "studying to be approved."

But tonight, I picked it up and just read where I left off. A chapter in 1 Kings, a chapter in Jeremiah, A chapter in Luke and a chapter in Revelation. What a mix, eh?

I read 1 Kings 19, Jeremiah 1, Luke 11, and Revelation 2. As I was finishing Revelation 2, the old fear and guilt began to rise - you're not doing it right, you're going to be in trouble you're are a bad Christian. Hmm... I actually told a friend the other night that I had no desire to be a 'good Christian.' And I don't. That's all just a religious game of works and brownie points and cliques. Wow, I'm all over the place tonight. :-)

Back to the chapters I read. As I finished reading the 2nd chapter of Revelation, and the fear and crap were there, a question rose up through the filters and the fears and all that crap... It was sparked by part of what was in Luke 11, I think...

"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This is not a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your little boy asks for a serving of fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? If your little girl asks for an egg, do you trick her with a spider? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing - you're at least decent to your own children. And don't you think the Father who conceived you in love will give the Holy Spirit when you ask him?" Luke 11:10-13 (Message)

The question that rose up was actually referencing another passage....

"Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]" Colossians 3:21 (Amplified)

First this verse came to mind, followed by the question: would God do this to His children? Paul admonishes fathers not to do this - would God do this? I have to admit that I can't quantitatively say that He would not. But my heart says that He absolutely would not. But my soul, the little girl, says that He better not or she doesn't want anything to do with Him. And I have to admit that I agree with her. If God is abusive, then He does not deserve to be worshipped or followed. But... my Papa God is not a child abuser. I know this even if I don't fully trust it yet. 

It's funny. My ex-pastor used to say this, "God is not a child abuser." He said it in reference to God making people sick to teach them a lesson or sending hurricanes, earthquakes, etc., to show His displeasure. And you know what? As much as I hate agreeing with my ex-pastor on anything, I agree with this statement. And this brings in one of the other chapters that I read today. It kind of showed me that this was true. I am going to be ornery and not quote where I saw this. It was in 1 Kings 19. I would ask you to read it for yourself and see what you find... I was relieved to find where God wasn't...

I finish with this thought: take a look and the various mythologies from Sumaria to Greece to Rome to Polynesia - where did they find their gods? My Papa God does not behave like the Pagan gods...

On Being a Disappointment

Hmm... It's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. This has been kind of rolling around n my head for a while, but tonight, it is keeping me awake - at least I think it's what's keeping me awake. "This" is the idea that we have disappointed God.

For me, I have spent my life feeling like I was a perpetual disappointment. This stems, at least in part (okay, probably almost entirely) from the emotional and other abuse as a child. I have always felt that my parents were disappointed in me - and that God was disappointed in me - that I was not living up to my potential. Sigh. How to put this in words - because of what happened to me (in my mind, it has always been more what I did than what happened to me - until recently), I felt that I had ruined my potential. I was raised with the idea that I could be this or that great thing - if I had the dedication to do what it took to accomplish these great things. But I was also told, in subtle ways, from early on that I did not have that drive. So, set up for feeling like a perpetual disappointment.

This has translated into my view of how God sees me. I think it is also something that religion has used to control people's behavior - if you do this or that - or don't do this or that, God will be disappointed in you. This is sick, abusive and messes with people's relationship with Jesus and with Papa God. Here's what has been circling around in my brain tonight...

What is disappointment? What is required for someone to be disappointed? It requires that we do not live up to their expectation of us. It means that they expected us to do A and we did B or C or Z. It is easy to understand how that happens between humans. But God? Hmm... in order for Him to be disappointed in us, wouldn't He have to expect us to do one thing, when we do something else? In order for that to happen, wouldn't it require Him not to know what we are going to do? Let's see if I can get this out in words. I don't think it is possible for God to be disappointed in us because it is not possible for us to do something He does not expect. Hmm... this leads to other thoughts and questions, but I think, for tonight, it is enough to look at the concept that God is never disappointed in us - it would require Him to be something He is incapable of being... caught off guard. 

Anyway, middle of the night thoughts....

Slow Time For Blogging

I just wanted to let you all know I am still here. I am going through a period of internal processing that isn't easy to put into words and separate into individual thoughts. Posting may be pretty sporadic for a while. I will post again - just not sure when and how often in the immediate. Thank you all for your kind words of support, they have helped - continue to help. Hmm... funny how I'm suddenly shy about anting to tell you all what's going on. Ah, well. Basically, now that I am out of the familial environment, the internal issues from the sexual abuse are coming back to the forefront and the little girl wants to come out of the cellar (see posts on survival, awareness & breaking free in April, 2008). And that is going to take a lot of energy, I think. When I am up to it, I will post what's going on, but if there is a gap of time between posts, know that I am not gone - just working... thank you all, again, for your support. You are amazing.