The Minefield of Mental Illness and the Church

The topic of how the church deals with mental health issues has been large in my mind the last couple of weeks. It started with a teaching I heard, continued with the comment thread on an article over at Her.meneutics, and ended with another teaching I heard. The things I have experienced in this arena all came flooding back and anger, fear, frustration, sadness...they all rode on the coattails of the teaching and comments.

So, some history. I grew up in a household - and in a broader sense, a denomination - that at best, distrusted the field of psychology and at wort mocked and ridiculed it. Now in the family dynamics, I understand that narcissists will nearly always have a great aversion to counselors/psychologists/therapists, etc., because they do not wish to be exposed. So my mother's aversion and ridicule of the profession is not surprising. But the church is another matter.

I understand that in the early days, a lot of people in the profession were openly against religion and that understandably created a reaction. However, that has changed even to the point that the American Psychiatric Association has acknowledged in their journals that incorporating a client's spiritual beliefs (and respecting same) is important to the treatment process. And some denominations have begun incorporating counseling into their staff. Cool. Great.

But, in my own experience, the "Christian" counselors put doctrine above psychological training - and in so doing, put doctrine ahead of the client's mental health. I have seen this. But what I saw in the comments and heard in the sermons is something that I find dangerous. Why dangerous? Because it sets people up to be abused - and it sets people up to be abusive - well meaning people end up using these doctrines and doing harm. So, what is it that I'm so worked up about?

Here are some statements:

- Depression is always demonic
- Depression is a sin
- There's no such thing as mental illness, it is all just demons

Okay, the sermon I heard laid out step by step instructions for how to recognize someone who was being overcome by demons and how to deliver them. I want to state, for the record, that I do believe that demons exist and that they harass and possess people. I've seen too much not to. But what was stated in this teaching was, to me, over the top. The description that was given of how to recognize someone who had fallen away from faith and was in the hands of demonic forces and needed intervention was identical to the list of symptoms of someone who is coming out of a cultish religiously abusive situation - reverting to old behaviors, cussing, not reading the Bible anymore... As I listened to this list, I realized that by the definition presented, they would have been trying to cast the demons out of me the whole time I was recovering/healing from the abuses of my past.

I was reminded that I have realized, several times over the last 5 years, that the religious people around me, if they witnessed one of my PTSD moments, would have been trying to cast the demons out of me. I actually was experiencing some PTSD symptoms while listening to this message and in the midst of this knew that if those around me knew what was going on, they would have applied what they were hearing and tried to exorcise me. Talk about some cognitive pain.

See, here's the thing: this teaching leaves no room for the normal mental/emotional effects of abuse or even just a traumatic event like an accident. An example that comes to mind is one of a 12 year old girl who was stood on a chair by the elders in her own home while they tried to cast the spirit of rebellion out of her. Within 18 or so months, she had run away from home, gotten pregnant - why? Because her father was emotionally abusive and her older sister was even more so and her home life was intolerable. But these church elders did not make inquiries - they just labeled her and tried to 'deliver' her and in doing so, made the trauma worse - and drove her away from God almost permanently.

This is the crux of what has me so angry and sad and agitated inside - this teaching can be emotionally deadly to those suffering from mental distress. For me, personally, it made it very difficult to even recognize that I needed professional help, let alone actually seek it. I actually reached the point where I tried to kill myself before I sought help - and then only because the only friend I trusted at the time insisted I get help or leave. And here's the thing - I was in so much emotional pain that in a combination of anger and just plain overwhelmed-ness, I took a bottle of Darvon and went to bed. As I began to fade into the blackness, I was afraid. I told God I was sorry - for everything, including not being strong enough.... And his presence flooded that room with such profound peace. I was settled - I was relaxed - I knew he was right there and as I faded out, I did not expect to wake up. 24 hours later, however, I did wake up and had to begin dealing with the reality that I was still here and my life was still a mess. If, in that state, I had been confronted by people who thought my problem was just that I needed to have the devil cast out of me, I think I might have gone insane. This was 24 years ago. I recently, because of the healing that has been taking place, realized that this incident happened within a couple of weeks of seeing the primary molester - the first time I had seen him in more than 10 years. And I had to interact with him in a family holiday setting for 48 hours - and no one else knew.... and it triggered an emotional meltdown. Well, duh!

That brings me to another point. First, I will say that there are some cases of mental illness that are demonic in nature. But to say all are is, to me, profoundly troubling. If you have read my blog, you already know this, but I will do a quick recap for those who haven't been around much before. As a child I was molested - repeatedly - by several people; first when I was 2 1/2 and then again through the period from 7 to 12 years old - all outside my home. In addition to this, I lived in an emotionally and verbally abusive home that was also physically abusive (whippings with a belt were part of potty training). All this in the midst of being in a deeply religious family with parents as church leaders. Straight up - this messed me up. Bad. Even now, after 4 years of therapy, I have trouble really admitting that things were really that bad.... And in order to just survive, I stuffed it all away in a box locked under the stairs in the cellar of my mind. But the contents of that box would not stay hidden (they never do). And finally, God led to a place - and put a friend in my life that would hold my hand through it - where I actually began looking at it and dealing with it. And that has required the help of someone professionally trained for that purpose, not unlike seeking an orthopedic surgeon for a crushed leg.

And I have encountered, over the last five years, religious advice on this. The first was that I had better go to Christian counselors. I asked God about that and got one of the biggest 'NOs' I have even heard/felt. Okay. Then I have been told by someone who was a family friend at the time all this was going on (in childhood) that I needed to let one of the elders at her church pray for me because he was gifted in praying for deliverance. No thanks. I know what that looks like because I grew up in it. If I had allowed an attempted exorcism or whatever, I think it would have sent me around the bend.

Here's another thing - In the process of surviving all these years, there have been moments that..... Well, one was about 20 years ago, I was in a position where I was living with my grandparents and sharing a bedroom/bed with my mother - a narcissist.... and I was sitting outside in my car one night and I began to recognized different facets of my personality - 4 or 5 of them - and realized I was just on the edge of having them shatter. And God reached out and told me I did not have to step off that cliff if I didn't want to. A similar thing happened 5 years ago, when everything was blowing apart with the church/cult I used to be a leader in. What was happening there was stirring up all the childhood shit again - the stuff that had only just barely been acknowledged and never dealt with. And there was a death in the family and my mom was in ICU in a coma.... and I sat in a dark side room in that church sobbing... and I asked God if I could please just let go for a while and go crazy - retreat inside my head. His response was so loving. He said that I absolutely could if I wanted to and there would be no condemnation attached - I had every right to. But he also wanted me to think about whether, if I did, I would be able to come back. He would not guarantee that I would. But just the acknowledgment that I had reason to be distressed did wonders in giving me strength to hang on.

Hmm.... I wish there wasn't this fear within the church that causes mental illness to be labeled demonic. It really has put me in a position that for my own mental safety, I need to pull back from a group of believers - again. And I fear that if any of them read this, they would be concerned that I was 'back-slidden' and in need of having the Word pounded into that. That is the other thing about this teaching that was so disturbing to me. The solution was to read the Word to the person in order to "pound on the rock until it breaks" (referenced Jeremiah 23:29 to back this). To me, that is giving people with more zeal than wisdom (and good intention) the idea that the solution to mental illness is to pound Bible verses into someone. Yikes! In the hands of someone with an abusive/controlling streak, this is a license to abuse with the Word. Is the answer to mental illness really to thump someone over the head with Bible verses? This truly makes my heart hurt.

And I have to say that after I walked out of the church/cult 5 years ago, part of the healing process (that is still in progress) required laying the Bible down and not reading it ... at all... for nearly 2 years. By the definition I heard today, that would be evidence of demonic influence. But I can say with absolute clarity that the reason I had to lay that book down was because it had been used to beat me down and control and abuse and scare me for so long that I could only hear the voice of the abusers through it. And it took almost 2 years of healing before I could read it without hearing those voices and the teachings that had so twisted me up.

And I don't know what to do about this. I know I need to remove myself from the teaching because it is causing too much pain. But the people. Damn it. I like these people and I am so tired of losing friendships over religion. But I don't know how to talk to them about it. To be honest, I am afraid to. I'm afraid they wouldn't understand. I am afraid they would apply the teachings I heard today. It's one thing to be called a heretic and told you're going to hell by some anonymous blog commenter that you don't know and probably never will. But it's a whole other thing when the attack is coming from a friend who thinks they are helping.

Honesty

Hmm...I had an interesting encounter these past few days with a version of my former self.

I came across Jeremy Myers' blog "Till He Comes" a couple of months ago and have enjoyed reading his thoughts on what "church" maybe should look like. In the last few days, he has been doing a series of posts that are generally about the concept of removing the fences from around churches and let Christ draw people in....and he attracted the attention of a couple of people who vehemently disagree with his whole concept. They made a lot of accusations along the lines of 'heretic' and 'blasphemer' and 'going to hell', etc., etc., etc....and I got drawn into the debate for a few days...and was told I had rejected Jesus and was following Jeremy to hell. Sigh. And I realized a couple of things.

The first was that I really did not have the inclination to argue, which came at about the same time as I realized that there could be no profit in it because I was not going to be heard and they would not be able to pull me back into that thinking....

The second was that I felt no great need to defend myself or justify myself or prove my point. And THIS feels good. :-)

But, this exchange has stirred a lot of thoughts and I am going to try to share them coherently....

In trying to explain my position and why I disagreed with their position, I used specific Bible passages that have come alive in new ways to me recently. After spending a year and a half not even being able to read it without getting pissed off, this is a good thing. Unfortunately, they did not see the verses in the same light I do. After a few exchanges, I realized that because of the lens they view the Bible through, no amount of debate will convince them. I know. I used to see things that way, too.

It's the position that the Institutional Church (IC) promotes. Nearly every IC I've seen does this to some degree. They promote an attitude of, "Our denominational doctrine is the only correct one. You must believe and defend our stance or you are not really one of us." The threat of deception into hell looms large. I remember what it felt like. Hanging your faith hat on one denomination's doctrinal statement is a dangerous and tricky business. Any time someone disagrees, anger and fear rise up in alternating measures. You must correct them - win the argument - prove you are right and they are wrong. Why? Because if you don't, then the foundations of what you think God is all about (what the IC of choice or birth has taught you God is about) begin to shake and crack. And that is scary as hell.

And until God planted me in the middle of an ugly IC situation - let me see it for what it really was, and then led me away from the IC - to a place of learning truth (on so many levels), there was nothing that would have enticed me away from the pseudo-sense-of-security the IC offers.

And it was neither an easy nor fun process. Those of you that have followed my blog through the years have gotten a taste of it. That first year out of the IC was a confusing mix of joyous freedoms and deep anxiety. As I have mentioned in other posts, when I left the IC, I entered into a place where everything I had ever been taught about God and church and religion was shattered with the wrecking ball of reality. Most of what I thought I knew about my childhood and family was also shatter by a series of crashing waves of truth....and frankly, at the time, I wasn't sure I would survive. Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to.

Having the illusions and defensive barriers of a lifetime come crashing around your ears is no picnic. (ha!) I spent my days sitting in my car at the park trying to continue reading the Bible and talking to God and talking to my aunt on the phone to try and keep a semblance of sanity. I spent my nights sleeping in my dad's garage on a couch (I was living there and had a bedroom with a bed in it) because it was the only place I felt safe. I spent as many nights as possible at my friend's house. I would lie in bed and just shake. The fear that I was going off the deep end spiritually and mentally dogged me all through this time. I'll never forget in January almost a year after I had left the IC, I was reading the Bible and was in Numbers 5. This chapter has always bothered me. It seems so unfair...and I got angry. I held my Bible up and said, "God, do you see this? This sucks! It's ugly. It doesn't sound like you. Explain this to me." His response sent me in a direction I never expected to go...especially at his leading. He simply said, "Relax. It wasn't written to you." It was at this point I began to quit reading the Bible for a time. At the time, I wasn't sure I ever would again.

Now, you need to understand. Before I left the IC, I read at least 8 chapters a day - every day. I studied the Bible. I wrote papers, led Bible studies, made charts and timelines and....and I don't regret that I did that. It is good to know the Bible.....*grinning* But is also good to know when it's time to lay it down and let God talk to you directly....

I was desperate for TRUTH. And I began to learn that although facing the truth about church, family, yourself, can feel like it's going to annihilate you - it won't (almost, maybe, but...) - it really will set you free. And over the last few years, as I have grown away from that initial system shock, I have been taught by God some incredible, religion defying truths. Then, after he wrote those truths on my heart, he took me back into the Bible and began showing me, with the fresh eyes of freedom, that this truth was actually written in its pages...but as long as the religious filter of my childhood was over it, I would never have seen it.

Truly, it is amazing to me - he loves me enough to break those chains of bondage that were slowly but surely killing me and set me into a larger place - a freer place - a truer place. And I also recognize (and can now live comfortably with the idea) that I do not have the whole picture. There is far more to God and his plan than I will ever be able to comprehend. For a while, after I began to come out of the shock, I was afraid to write much because I knew that in 6 months - a year...I would probably see it better than I do now and be embarrassed at what I wrote. I am a little embarrassed at some of the things I wrote while in the IC. I actually did a 53 page 'study' on Paul's letter to the Romans. Yikes! I am just about ready - after more than 8 years - to take a look at it and see what I did....could be painful, but there might be a little gold scattered.

So...back to the topic being hotly debated at Jeremy's blog....I think that one of the biggest problems with the IC is that attitude of having a corner on the truth. But they don't. Most have some truth...and a lot of man's ideas. The insistence to the contrary, of necessity, creates an 'us vs. them' mentality. And they don't see that as a problem. In fact, one of the commenters actually said it was was necessary - desirable. The concept put forth was essentially: preach the Law at 'them' until they repent. Then let them in the fence....one actually said that if the Law was not preached, then no one would know they needed to repent and so, without the Law, there could be no real salvation. He demanded to know if I was suggesting that I came to salvation without having the Law teach me I needed it. Sigh. So I will say here, on my own blog, what I chose not to get into on someone else's blog....

As I have recounted often in my posts, I cannot remember when Jesus  was not a part of my life. I don't have a 'conversion date'. I have found that I am not the only one. I can tell you places along the way where I have made conscious decisions to reaffirm my love and need and desire for Him. I have moved closer to him - He draws me in. His love is overwhelming and, for one who grew up in the abusive way I did, it is often perplexing. But it doesn't stop. So the answer to the question is: no, I did not have (or need) the Law preached at me to know I needed to turn from 'my way' to 'his way'. In fact, it was the preaching of the Law to me that very nearly destroyed my relationship with him. And I know many will not be able to accept this as valid....

Hmm...one of the passages that was thrown accusingly at me was from Matthew 7 - the one that says there will be those who brag about the wonderful things they did in Jesus' name and he tells them to leave because he never knew them. This is a very familiar passage. He has shown me things from it - it is interesting the wording. He doesn't say they are rejected because they didn't know him....it was because he didn't know them. What he's taught me about this is...a big part of being set free by the truth involves me being honest with him. It involves being naked, bare, nothing hidden before him. It involves not trying to pretend something isn't there - not trying to pretend I believe something I don't. Honest communication with him, sharing everything - joy and sorrows, pains, hurts, fears, doubts, hopes, dreams, everything like he was my best friend - because he is. Brutal honestly. Letting go of the fear of getting it wrong and just being open in his presence.

Knowing about him - even knowing him to some degree that allows working of miracles in his name is not the point. The point is to look inward and know ourselves - let him fully in to know even the bits we can't bear to look at. He is gentle - so gentle. He washes us from the pain of honesty. This is cleansing, freeing pain - like when a wound is cleansed or a broken bone is set. But without that honesty, there really is no relationship. And after all, the relationship is the whole point.

Have I got this all figured out? No. There is still a lot within my own heart I haven't looked at...I am really only able to with his help. And he takes me at the pace I can handle. And I can't even honestly say I always want to be honest. It does hurt. But...I talk to him about it. I want to want to....and he smiles and says that is enough for him to work with.....

Just Quit Being...

I'm damaged.

No you're not.

Yes, I'm damaged. It hurts.

Well, it's your own fault.

What? 

It's your own fault. You damaged yourself.

I damaged myself? 

Yes.

How...?

By thinking about it and dwelling on it.

Um, no... that's not what damaged me....

Yes, it is.

No. Someone else damaged me. I am not the one who put their your-know-what where it didn't belong.

Well (frowning).... but continuing to dwell on that is what damaged you.

No!

Well, fine. But now it's time to stop.

Stop what?

Being damaged.

Stop being damaged?

Yes. Fine, you were damaged. Now, stop.

Stop? How do I stop?

You just heal, then you stop being damaged.

Just heal? How do I heal?

By not thinking about it.

Not thinking about it?

Yes. Stop thinking about it. Then you will heal and quit being damaged.

I can't stop thinking about it.

You don't want to stop thinking about it.

Umm...?

If you wanted to, you would just stop thinking about it. Then you would quit damaging yourself.

Okay, but....

Now....

Um...I will quit thinking about it...

Yes...

I will quit being damaged...

Good...

I will quit being damaged....

About time, too.

I will quit being...

That's enough. Leave it alone, now.

It still hurts.

Well.... you just aren't trying hard enough.

How....?

You don't really want it.

But...

You don't care how you make others feel.

I'm sorry.

You make your own problems.

I'm sorry.

Don't expect others to help you fix your own stupid stuff.

No, I'm sorry.

Good...

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

Ponderings on the nature of spiritual abuse

Several people have posted articles in their blogs about spiritual abuse. I have been thinking about a lot of things in this area lately - have read some news articles that make me want to knock people up side their heads and ask them what they are thinking. (Example) But in the end, I think many people are completely ignorant of even the idea - the concept - of spiritual abuse. So, what does spiritual abuse look like? How can it be recognized for what it is? 

At first, I thought I would describe what abuse is, in general. Then follow up with what spiritual abuse is. All very ship shape and Bristol fashion. Then I thought, Bah! I'm just going to write from the heart - about what I have experienced and seen - and let you decide if you can recognize spiritual abuse from that. I think that abuse, in its many forms, is in essence all about control - about the need to control someone else to feed your own needs. Spiritual abuse is no exception. 

Hmm... abuse has been around since the beginning. In thinking about it, all abuse is spiritual in nature because it is an attempt to control the very essence of who someone is - their inner self - their real self - their spirit. It is when someone makes the judgment that someone is less valuable than they are and then communicates that judgment to them in some way. It is demeaning someone in order to elevate yourself. I could easily get diverted here, but I want to address spiritual abuse in the church (or home) or maybe, more accurately, religious abuse. 

I think this (religious abuse) is basically misrepresenting God in order to control someone's behavior - get them to follow you, do what you want. Hmm... I think, in a very real sense, some of the church's methods of evangelism are spiritually abusive - at least in the church I grew up in. How is telling someone what a terrible person they are not abusive?

Anyway, back to inside the church. Hmm... to teach people that God has a standard of conduct in thought, word and action, that He measures us all by and that we must strive to measure up to this or we might 'slide backwards and become heathen reprobates who hate God' is abusive. Well, they might not put it exactly like that, but it is the underlying thought - fear - programming. The truth is, I can't blame anyone who does not want to serve a god like that. I don't want to serve a god like that. Thank God, I don't. :-)

I think spiritual abuse is anything that gets in the way of our ability to have a real relationship with Jesus and our Father. There are, then, many levels of spiritual abuse. Many are not deliberate or premeditated. But some are. So, in my opinion, it is spiritual abuse when...

• ... you are attacked and or chastised for honestly questioning.
• ... you are made to feel inferior to the leadership of a church/ministry.
• ... you are told that you have to follow a list of rules to be saved/make it to heaven/be favored of God and man.
• ... you are told that you must go through a church/ministry leader in order to receive from God
• ... you are told what you can and cannot watch/read/eat/listen to/like.
• ... you are told that if you don't give in the offering regularly, you are not a real Christian.
• ... you are told you need to clean yourself up before God will accept you.
• ... you are told that anger is a sin.
• ... you are required to do anything that you have objected to.
• ... you are told that God wants you to have sex with the pastor/minister - that it is His will.
• ... you are told that if you leave this church/ministry, you will be vulnerable to deception and attack.
• ... you are told who you can and cannot be friends with.
• ... you are told who you can and cannot marry.
• ... you are expected to lie and cover up the misconduct of the pastors/ministry leaders against your own conscience.
• ... you are told you have to beat righteousness into your children.
• ... you are physically hurt in any way.
• ... you are told that you have to submit to abuse because God's laws are more important that your safety.
• ... you are made to feel guilty for not measuring up to the church's standards.
• ... you are told to shun friends who have left the church.

Well, that's the beginning of a list. I think you get the idea. Fear and greed and pride are at the heart of spiritual abuse (as all abuse). Hmm... I feel like there is more to this, but it is not coming, so I will post this for now and welcome your comments and thoughts and additions to the list.

But The Teaching Is So Good...

A friend has said this recently, after returning to the church I left: "I know he made some mistakes, but I have to go there. The teaching is so good." This makes me cry. It is a wedge pushing that friend and I apart. I don't want to hear what he is preaching and she doesn't want to hear that he is dangerous. It is a huge ugly elephant in the room with us that overshadows any other attempts at conversation.

Now I understand that my friend is very sick (physically) and the preacher teaches on healing. I don't have a problem with teaching healing. I believe that God heals. He's healed me more than once. :-) It isn't about that. It is about the subtle twisting of Scriptures - it is about the slipping of the strychnine into that nice, pure refreshing looking water. It is about using the Bible and promises of what you can get if you do things just so to control people for your own purposes.

Now, this friend knows what 'mistakes' this pastor made (predatory mistakes). But it appears that she is so afraid that if she gets away from this teaching, she will get worse, physically - be unprotected... she seems afraid. She seems to be still under his spell. This makes me angry and sad at the same time.

In this context, I decided to watch an installment of his TV program the other night. I haven't watched (or heard) him preach since I left 15 months ago. By the end of the 28 minute segment, I was actually cussing at him. Hmm... a strong reaction. So I thought I would share some of what he said...

He was in the middle of a series on the importance of the local church. He has taught series on this before... many times. Most of what he said was said in angry tones - almost yelling at times - with a condescending "what is the matter with you people, why aren't you getting this" attitude. He often had the attitude that if you disagreed with him, you were simply being stupid. He would occasionally make a disparaging statement about those who had left or were going to a church that did not teach what he taught and smirk - aren't we the smart ones...

So what did he actually say? His beginning text was Hebrews 10:25: "Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching." (KJV)

He then said, "There's power in the local church." He emphasized this several times. Then he said, "If you need healing, it's in the local church. In James it says, if any are sick among you, call for the elders of the church." He then smirked and said, "Of course, it helps if the leaders believe in it." The congregation laughed - right on cue. He followed with that by saying that if the church you're in doesn't believe in healing, you might want to find one that does.

Now he goes off into why it is imperative that you be in a local church. What he said here is where I first felt the urge to cuss. He said, "It is not enough to simply go to church and sit there. You have to plug in." Now, after 7 years of attending this church, I know what he means by 'plug in.' Join the H.E.L.P.S. team and do whatever we tell you to do. I am not coming from the point of view of what they call a 'pew warmer.' I was in leadership - had about 10 people in my departments that I was responsible for training and overseeing. 

Hmm... that brings a few tears. They are wonderful people - dedicated - worked so hard. The privilege of watching some of them come out of their self-conscious shells and begin to have confidence in themselves and their ability to help. Damn, I miss some of them and I wish I could tell them to run as far from him as they can.

Now he does something that I have come to recognize as a classic shock tactic. He stops in mid-sentence and looks at the congregation and says, in a very imperious tone, "Do you love Jesus?" They respond loudly, "Yes!" He says, "Do you really love Jesus?" Again, they respond, "Yes." He says, angrily, "John said that if you loved Him, you would follow His commands." He then holds up his Bible and points to the text in Hebrews and says, "If you loved Jesus, you would obey this command." The implication is that if you are not 'plugged in' to your local church (preferably HIS), you don't love Jesus.

He then goes into how important the local church is again - on the theme of the church being the only place where you can tap into God's power. He used the analogy of a wall in a building. The power is available, but unless you 'plug in' to it, it does you no good. So, if you are not, 'plugged in' to the local church, the power is not available to you and it is your own fault if nothing works for you.

The next thing he said that stuck out to me was, "Where would you rather be - in your local church where you are surrounded by people who love you and will protect you or out 'there' where there is nothing but demons and people who hate you?" I cussed again. In 7 years here, I was not surrounded by people who loved and protected me - I was surrounded by people who tolerated and discarded me - scolded me and used me and in the end abused me. But do you see how this works to build a sense of isolation between the congregation and the outside world? If you are not here, in the safe, warm comfort of this local church, you will be in the cold, dark, dangerous world where everyone will be out to get you. Yikes!

Then he talked about the damage that is done to the local body when a member just walks away - unplugs. I have heard him talk about this before. He talked about it the day I sat in his office for 2 1/2 hours explaining to him that I was walking away. 'Don't you dare walk away or you will be responsible for your brothers and sisters missing out on what they should have had if you were where you belonged.'

Then he actually touched on the idea that - whoa! - maybe you were hurt by a local church. His advice? "If you have been hurt by a church, get healed!" This was said with a very flippant and annoyed tone - a tone that said 'get over it!'

So, in this particular installment, there was probably a larger dose than usual of strychnine. Instead of 10 - 15%, it was maybe 50-60%. But the sad thing is, the congregation was listening intently (the camera would pan to them periodically). I saw some old friends. And I heard the amens and the cheers. Yes, cheers, for what he said. 

So, thinking about how enthusiastically the congregation was listening to this and thinking about what my friend said about the teaching being sooo good, maybe it isn't strychnine - maybe it is some form of mind control drug. Whatever it is, if you keep listening to it, the spell this man weaves becomes stronger and stronger. I was under it at one time. It is scary what you will accept when you are there. I wish I could share with you exactly what he has done (and quite possibly is still doing) - for legal reasons, I can't. But this friend knows what he has done and to whom. And she still feels that his teaching is more important than that.

And therein lies the biggest problem I have encountered. People who believe that the 'message' - the 'image of the organization' - or even (sadly) 'what I am getting out of it' - is more important than a few incidents where a few people got hurt. What's the big deal, anyway? Just maintain the status quo - people come, people go...

Meanwhile, those who were used and discarded - left bleeding on the side of the road - very nearly did not survive. And no one in the 'local church' cared enough to inquire - to help. No, the message is not 'sooo good' - it is very, very bad...

An Example Of The Arrogance That Fosters Religious Abuse...

Today, when I checked my email, there was a comment to my last blog. There was something about it that bothered me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it... so I posted it and tried to respond to it in the comments. But...

As the day wore one, I was more and more unsettled about even having the comment there with a link back to the person's own site. Then I realized what it was that bothered me about the comment. It smacked of the same religious arrogance that I left behind in the church. So, I have decided to post the comment and discuss it in this format. Here it is:

"I have to say that I belong to one of those religions who hears the Protestants say that we aren't Christians. It absolutely infuriated me that any religious group feels they have the monopoly on Christianity. I'm trying to get over the anger because I know that isn't Christlike. But we do believe in Jesus Christ, and we look to Him as our source of salvation. Our views about certain points of doctrine might be different, but our feelings about Him remain.

I have been reading many blogs lately by people who say they have given up on organized religion. What I hear from them is that when they go to church, they feel nothing. I know what they are missing. I have the answer. I can explain it in great detail, but I know most people won't except my explanation. So the best I can do is say to them as Jesus said to those who questioned about where he had come from, "Come and see.""

Hmm... if she had stopped with the first paragraph, there would have been no issue. But she didn't, so... I will get into what I see in this comment, but first here is my initial response that I posted as a comment after hers - trying so hard not to offend or be snarky...

"Hmm... I don't know what your answer is, but if it is belonging to another organized religion, umm... not what I'm even talking about. I am not unfamiliar with the LDS. Whether they are Christian or not is not even the issue in this... Frankly, if I am tired of the legalistic rules-based religion I have seen, the LDS is just as bad as the rest. It is not about what the individual people believe, it is about the attempt by religion - in general - to control the way people think - and what they do... and the abuse that flows from there."

As my comment indicates, this commenter is coming from an LDS perspective. I know this because I went to her website before I posted her comment. I could get into a whole side journey about the LDS and Christianity, but I do not want to turn this blog into a debate on Mormonism.

The real issue I have is with what she said in the second paragraph. Like I said, if she had stopped with the first, that would have been great. But she didn't and here is what I see - a reflection of the attitude that abuses those who disagree. Do you see the contradictions between the first and second paragraphs? 

First of all, no where in my blog have I even addressed my views on Mormonism, let alone accused them of anything. Granted, I have a book recommendation on my sidebar that was written by a former Mormon. But that is not there for it's religious abuse content. It is there for its biographical story of one woman who survived sexual abuse as a child - how she survived and how she overcame. I found it very helpful.

I do not think I have advocated that one denomination has a monopoly on Christianity. I have no power to decide whether someone, no matter who they are, believes in Jesus as Christ or not unless they tell me what they believe (even then, they could be lying ;-)

She makes the point that she doesn't like how others claim to have a monopoly on Christianity. Then, in the second paragraph, she claims she does. How? 

"I know what they are missing. I have the answer."

Ah. But that is not claiming to have superior knowledge. (Note the sarcasm) Hmm... in the second paragraph, she claims to know the truth that all these other churches don't. She claims that she can explain in great detail but most won't accept her explanation. Really. Does anyone else see this as arrogant? 'I have the secret. If you come to me, I will share it with you. But you won't like it.' BLECH! 

Then she compares this (what she has just stated) with Jesus being questioned about where He came from.

 

*SIGH*

This attitude -  the one that says, "I have all the answers that you don't. I know better than you do. I'll explain it to you if you're smart enough to listen." - - - ARGH! This is the attitude in which religious abuse flourishes! It is condescending and does not draw, it repels. 

In the second paragraph, she is exhibiting the very behavior she claims to be infuriated by in the first paragraph. Perhaps part of the reason I recognize it is because I used to be that way, too. *double sigh*

So that is my take on this comment. If anyone sees it differently, I am open to reasonably civil comments. ;-)

Never Quite Enough

The tactic I call "Never Quite Enough" is, essentially, a variation on the old carrot on a stick idea. It can be used in a church by the leaders or at home by parents.

In the church setting, it goes like this.

First, you are told what wonderful things are available to those who do things the "right" way. This can be anything from material possessions to greater wisdom and enlightenment to the perfect marriage and the perfect children. Often, it will entail promises of never having problems again. The carrot will usually be tailored to the group. 

Once the "ideal" has been established, they begin working on the things you need to change to reach this ideal. I understand that there is a legitimate place for instruction and correction. This is not what I am talking about. In this manipulation tactic, the promises are grandiose and the requirements ever more and more exacting.

Once they have you hooked, they continue to teach the elements of what the steps are to achieve the ideal, but add the element that if it isn't working for you, you aren't serious enough about doing it right. Ah, does this sound familiar to anyone? It is a classic tactic of abusers the world over. "If you aren't happy - don't have what you want - aren't getting what I promised you - it is YOUR fault for not doing it right."

The problem is, they are a little vague on the finer points of what it is you are or are not doing that is holding up the works - at first. They will keep it to a vague "live like the Bible teaches." But, over time they will begin to get specific. Things like giving more money, getting rid of anything that might be offensive to God. 

Some of the things promised included never being sick again. Never being poor again. They did not come right out and say that problems wouldn't come. In fact, because the Bible teaches that they will (Matthew 18:7, for instance), they would say that the problems would come but you could reach the level where you would be above it all, like being in a plane that is above a storm. They would also teach that it was possible to never be sick again.

Now, I don't want to step on anyone's doctrine here, but this leads, in my experience, to blaming the victim. They would teach that if you were sick, it was your own fault because your faith was not strong enough - you just weren't believing hard enough. It was actually stated from the pulpit that depression was a sin and Christians had no business being depressed. Again, this is a classic blame shifting tactic of an abuser. If it is coming from a pulpit, RUN!

Now, here is where it really starts to get sick. Many people who come to a church are coming because they have problems. There are a lot of wounded people in this world. When victims of abuse come to a church seeking help to heal - to find comfort and solace - and are told that if they have problems, it's their fault, this is not helping them. Most people who have suffered from abuse are ready to believe it was their fault because that is what their abuser told them. I actually know of more than one woman who went back to an abusive husband because they were told that if they just believed harder, it would all work out. This is criminal.

The other part of this is the constant "encouragement" that says, "Come on, we're almost there. Don't give up on us now!" The carrot on the stick. The problem is, the donkey that follows that carrot never gets to eat it. The more emotionally and financially invested in the "ministry" the people become - the more they believe they are "almost there" - the more focussed they become on not wanting to be the one holding the works up for everyone else. The problem is, no matter how much you give in, it will never be enough. If it worked, it would work. Period. It would not leave you feeling like you need to scrub your life with a bristle brush to find that little thing that God isn't showing you that is holding everyone else back. Never enough. If your pastor is yelling at you and you always feel like you're missing it, step back and look more closely at what is going on behind the scenes. Are they REALLY practicing what they preach? He was not. 

An example of this (I found out later) was to tell us what God has told them to do. "Now I'm not saying that God is telling you to do this, but He told me to get rid of all my 'fill in the blank'." The unspoken implication, through tone of voice and facial expression, is that if you don't do it, too, you will miss out on what God is getting ready to do. Bleah!

It is important that we all continue to grow, but this only truly happens in an environment where we are accepted as is and encouraged in love. What happens in the above scenario is a twisting of the emotions and self-image to the place where you believe that you don't deserve anything because you are never enough. You actually believe the abuse IS love. The Scripture that says the Lord rebukes those He loves (Hebrews 12:6) was used to reinforce this idea. This is criminal. 

Don't do things JUST because your pastor or leader told you that God said. 

Us Against Them

This form of emotional manipulation is usually a subtle one. There aren't a lot of church leaders who just come out and say, "It's us against EVERYONE else," including other churches. There are some who do that. Stay away from them. :-)

This is about a more subtle approach. It is one I am familiar with as it was employed at a church that I went to for many years. They don't come out and say that everyone is against them because they KNOW that would be a big red flag for most people. Instead, they say things like, "Be prepared when you talk to people outside of our teaching. They aren't going to understand you and may call you crazy for believing what we believe." Then they will say something about how persecution is to be expected if you are really doing what God says. 

This pastor actually said, "If you want to visit another church, that's fine; as long as you are attending every service we offer first. If our doors are open, you should be here." Notice he didn't come right out and say that you shouldn't go to another church. The church offered three services a week. How many people are going to be into attending more church services per week than that? If you feel guilty about even going to a a special meeting hosted by another church, you need to examine that. If that seems to be a church wide feeling, get out.

Isolating from other churches is a precursor to the forming of a cult. Those that they can get to go along with the isolation policy are then targeted for the next step. They are drawn into the "inner circle" of the leader's friends. From here the leader will hand pick a core group that will be his buffer - that will defend him to the teeth - that will be loyal to him no matter what they hear. From there, it can really begin to get ugly.

This same pastor has said, from the pulpit - with a smile, "Some people out there have actually accused us of being a cult. Can you believe that?" Then the part about being wary of the people outside his teaching because they didn't get it, poor souls.

Another way they reinforce the "us against them" mentality is by disparaging those who have left the church. Not blatantly - carefully, under the guise of being concerned about the spiritual health.

Another aspect of this is the idea that because their church is so "faithful" to the 'fill in the blank,' now they are going to get special revelation. The implication is that you will not get this revelation ANYWHERE else and so you better NOT go anywhere or you might miss out.

If any of this sounds familiar, please, step back and apply some logic - some discernment - some (yes) judgment - to the situation. If what they say will not stand up to logic and questions - if you feel overly embarrassed to discuss what your church teaches with other Christians, you're probably being led down the primrose path. Leave. Period.

Remember, the more isolated you become, the less accountability they have and the more they can begin to teach you things - slowly, carefully, bit by little bit so you don't choke - that are further and further from reality - from Truth.