Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Update Redux...

Since several of you have asked.... and thanks for asking.... :-)

I have been collecting unemployment for about 7 weeks. I have applied for more than 50 jobs. I have been called in for an interview on 2. I did not get one, the other - I had the interview today. It went well and is promising, but I won't know if I got it until after the holidays. So.... thank God for unemployment benefits.

Things are tight, but I am okay. Getting a little help from friends here and there. :-)

Still working on a lot internally and have a lot I could post, but I still don't have internet access at home, so the time I have on a local coffee shop's free wifi is spent on job hunting....

Thank you all for asking how I'm doing.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Wow. Time flies. Here it is 3 months since my last post.... and I'm sitting in Starbucks again using their free wifi....

Well, I have been unemployed now for 3 1/2 weeks. Waiting for (hoping) unemployment to kick in - looking for a job... and finding myself emotionally back in the grinder again. Hmm... maybe while I was working, I didn't have the energy to think too much... haha.

Seriously, the fears of inadequacy - of not being good enough, deserving enough - have surfaced again. And I feel like I have regressed 2 years, and yet I am not as bad as I was then (most of the time). But I realized I still fight the feeling, when I go in to interview for a job or apply for unemployment or register with the local jobs agency, that I have a fear of being in trouble - being told I did it wrong, and therefore not getting any help. And I recognize that goes back to when I was little and the parental tendency to tell me that when I messed up, it was my fault - no help. No comfort, just a lesson. Recognizing it helps some, but it is still tiring. And I am in the place right now where I have just paid November's rent and now have no money and am hoping unemployment kicks in this week....

And, I am back to remembering things from childhood... when I was 2. And I recognize what happened and who did it and that my mother and his mother both knew and covered it up. And that my mom insured my silence by employing religious threats - by somehow making it about hurting God if I talked.... shit! I can't remember exact words or the complete thing, but there are enough fragments that I am mostly settled on the gist of it. And I don't know what to do with it. Part of me wants to look the young man (he was about 16 at the time) and his mother up - I know where she is - and just ask them what the hell happened. But that is a scary proposition.... so.... I will have to work up to that, I think.

Back to the means my mom employed to keep my silence. Talk about a foundational religious twisting - I can't tell anyone or God will be mad at me because it will hurt the church... or something to that effect. And a 2 year old is supposed to be able to process that shit. I think the only thing that really stuck was that I had been bad and God was mad at me.... and that has stayed with me my whole life.

It boggles my mind that these two women, knowing what had happened when I was about 2 1/2, would, when I was 3, have me participate in the defacing of pornographic pictures on the perpetrators bedroom wall. I just can't get my head around how they would think that was okay... in any way... even if nothing had happened....

Ah, well. So , in the midst of this, my mom was taken to the hospital and in ICU for a few days. And there was no emotion for that. Only sadness at the lack of emotion, if that makes sense. I haven't talked to her in about 2 years. And I really have no desire to now. A friend suggested I talk to her about the things that happened when I was 2, but I don't think that would be productive. I think she would pretend not to know and try to convince me that I was mistaken, as she has with so many other things I have brought up. So, I will just keep processing - and job hunting - and trying not to panic... ;-)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Hmm.... it's been a really long time. But... I'm still here.

I finally got a new laptop. Now I just need to get internet at home (I'm sitting in Starbucks at the moment, taking advantage of their free wi-fi).

Wow. What a wild winter - spring - into-summer it has been. Was told that I would really like the TV show "Saving Grace." So, being the "extremist" I can be... I got online and bought the whole series. Wow. At the end of the 1st season, I just laid on my couch and cried. There is so much in the main character that is familiar... including little revelations about God along the way.

Hmm... on July 5th, I passed the 2 year mark since I have seen my mom. Again, wow. She sent me a note in the mail a couple of months ago. She has made me her MPOA (Medical Power of Attorney). My therapist was shocked, wondered at my mom's sanity... :-) I was surprised. It never occurred to me that I could use that power badly - I would not abuse that position. Anyway, at the end of it, she wrote 2 simple lines. But let me back up. When I opened my mailbox and saw the letter, before I ever picked it up and looked at it, I knew it was from her. When I sat down and started oepning it, my hands were shaking and I started to cry. This is how much she can still twist me up after 2 years of no contact. Anyway, back to the 2 lines...

"I don't know why you have cut me out of your life, since you won't tell me. But I still love you and miss you."

Hmm... these 2 sentences really twisted me up. Still do, a little. To those who don't know her - or only know her 'public' face, it may seem innocuous enough. But that first sentence is an accusation that fairly drips with annoyance and sarcasm. There have been no calls or notes asking how I was doing or if there was anything she could do. Just this. So... on it goes. I did not respond to her. Just spent a few days (weeks) twisting and doubting myself and my choices....oy.

Well, today I was informed that I am being laid off and my last day is September 30th. I'm glad they gave me 60 days notice. Not as worried as the situation might suggest I should be. I have no savings or margin. But.... there is an expectant peace. As soon as I found out, I knew that the next step in this dance with God had arrived. Not sure what it's going to look like. I may move to California. (Hi, Tyler!) I may move to New York. I don't know. California is the highest likelihood from what I can see right now, but my vision is far from clear.

Not sure how often I'll be able to post. I was hitching a ride on a neighbors unsecured wi-fi (shhh) until this afternoon. He got smart and secured it. So, Starbucks or a local restaurant to use their free wi-fi.

Hmm... there has been so much I have learned these last few months, but I can't find the words right now. Maybe it's the setting. Ice clinking, blenders blending, jazz playing....

Monday, February 8, 2010

Update on status

Well, here's where things stand: My computer is messed up. I need a new one. I was hoping to do that with my tax refund, but didn't get much of a refund this year. So....until I have the money to buy a new computer, I will only be on the internet when I can get on at a friend's house. I will still check in from time to time and maybe even post now and again, but if you do not see a response for a while, know it is just because I haven't been able to log on. :-)