Saturday, May 2, 2009

Hey, I'm Still here....

Hey all. Man, has it been a while since I posted anything. Life has been .... busy. There has been so much going on since I posted in January. I don't even know where to start. Bleah.


I really want to start with tonight, I guess. A strange thing happened. Today was my day off. I had nothing planned except that I would clean my bathroom and do some laundry. Hmm.... The bathroom didn't get cleaned. I just couldn't get motivated. Then, around 11:00 PM, after watching a movie, I decided that although I could get by a couple more days without doing laundry, I was motivated to at least do that now. Okay. I got my dirty clothes together and grabbed the laundry soap and some quarters and to the laundry room I went. 

The laundry room is right next to my apartment. It couldn't be closer without being in my apartment. The door to the laundry room was mostly shut. Unusual. Sometimes, when people do laundry early in the morning, they shut the door to muffle the sound so it won't bother anyone, but there was no washer or dryer running. Hmmm.... so I pushed the door open and turned the light on....

And there was someone sleeping under the clothes folding table. It's more of a bench, really. He was all tucked in with his head on his pack and his skateboard under his arm. And he looked like he was between 25 and 30. And he was very apologetic. He said he was sorry, but it was just so cold outside. Yeah, it's May, but we had a nasty storm come through today - raining and hail all day. It is chilly out. And it's the strangest thing. He said he would leave if I wanted him to. I thought about it for a second and told him no, I'd wait and do my laundry tomorrow. He said that I could go ahead and do it now, it wouldn't bother him. I said no, that's okay, and closed the door and went back to my apartment. 

And then the logic kicked in and I asked myself what the hell I was doing. I should call the cops. There is a strange man sleeping in my laundry room not 15 feet from my door. But I am not afraid of him (mostly) and I don't know if that is good or bad. I don't feel inclined to do anything else for him. Just not turn him out (or in).

Hmm... and I think most of the people I know would think me foolish. I'm not so sure I'm not. But in the moment, there was no 'scary vibe' coming from him. I have experienced that and I can't explain. I just know that I could not chase him out tonight. As I closed the door on him, he said thank you, you're beautiful. Hmm.... He did not have the appearance of someone on drugs and he was not drunk. I don't know what his story is. But for some reason, I could not tell him to leave. It was not fear of him. It was compassion for him - I think. I don't know.

I know there are friends who will read this and wonder what the hell I'm doing. I don't know. I am sitting here typing this and he is sleeping on the floor in the laundry room not more than 25 feet from me. And my door is locked and I will probably sleep in my clothes tonight... and I'm not sure what to think. I have no desire for him to be thrown out and yet my mind wonders if I have the right to make that decision for the other 30 some tenants in this building. I don't know. The thought crossed my mind to call the cops, but I can't seem to justify that. I've been too close to being in that position myself, maybe, to want to do that to someone else...

So.... I will go to bed here in a little bit. And do my laundry in the morning.... I have asked Papa if he is safe or if I need to call the cops. No answer except that there is no fear or uneasiness....

Hmm... strange.....

14 comments:

placeofgrace said...

Katherine
I like this story, event, happening, or whatever it should be called. I certainly understand you feeling of not wanting to throw another soul out into the cold - I hope it turned out to be safe. It's probably what I would have done too, if I have felt safe, like you did.

It sounds complicated but what I actually wanted to say is, I think you did good. Jesus said something like :"Whatever you did for the least of my brethren, you did for me". I also believe that sometimes God's angels come in strange disguises, and it is good to listen to your spirit guiding you in what you do for other people. I think you've just allowed Jesus to touch another person through you.

Thank you for this positive posting

Anette

Erin said...

Hi Katherine! It's good to see you. An interesting quandary. I agree with what Anette said...obviously we do have to think about safety, but I believe the spirit gave you peace for a reason.

Katherine Gunn said...

Hey guys!

Anette, thanks. It turned out safe. I slept fine. There was a little uncertainty when I went to do laundry this morning, but there was no trace of him. Yeah, that thought of angels went through my mind later, too.

Erin, yeah. The peace for a reason. But I have also learned that sometimes the damage talks louder than Papa and I mistake the voice... the emotions that came with this are complicated.... but fear was never able to get a foothold. And I still am not sure whether that is good or bad - depends on whether it was peace from Papa or my damage talking.....

And I have found that I am a little more vigilant coming and going to and from my apartment. There is a slight rise in the sense of unease until I am actually in my apartment. And I don't like that. I have been trying to get away from that... and what I didn't put in the post is that this came on the heals of a man lurking in my hallway a couple of Saturdays ago. Kind of peeking around the corner of the hallway at my friend and I as we went into my apartment. That was sufficiently creepy that my friend decided she wanted to spend the night rather than risk going back out to her car in the dark. This was not that guy and I haven't seen that guy since, although I had the impression he lived upstairs......

Sue said...

Hey, KG. It's good to see you :) I am so glad you didn't call the cops.

There is enough fear in the world. Fear multiplies fear and everyone from the media to our governments like to keep us as fearful as possible. It is in the best interests of the system that we all fear each other. Divided, we're conquered.

That young man gets treated like shit every day by people who are more concerned about their safety than anything else.

You did the good scary thing and I am so glad you listened to that "vibe".

Funny, just before I read that paragraph I was reminded of a woman I knew back in my church going days. She was relating how she often went jogging at night in pitch darkness. Kudos to her, I'm not sure I could do that.

BUT, this one night, she went to run down one of the usual streets on her route, and all the hair stood up on the back of her neck and she just KNEW to not go down that street.

Sorry if I sound like I am raving. I am just passionate about this sort of thing.

Katherine Gunn said...

Hey, Sue. You don't sound like you're raving. :-)

Thanks. I'm still glad I did not turn him in. Haven't seen him since. Probably won't. Hmm...

Tyler Dawn said...

Gotta take things situation by situation babe, guided by the spirit. I would have told you that you were an idiot if God sent all your red flags up and you didn't call out of inappropriate guilt.

Don't be driven by the machine, doing what is "right", be driven by the spirit, and then you actually will do what is right.

Katherine Gunn said...

Yeah, if I had done that, I WOULD be an idiot. That was the idiot is was 3 years ago - afraid to do anything that might be 'mean.'......

Meg and Burnie said...

Gavin de Becker of 'Gift of Fear' fame says we need to listen to the fear response which tells us to get the hell outta there.

Clearly your response wasn't fear but you did the right thing by going back to your apartment and not sticking around just to make sure, and you were proved right.

You can trust yourself and your gut reactions. I know people who have been abused like us always question ourselves and think we must be wrong, but we are all learning to live again, and you are doin' OK by the sounds of it.

Good for you, and you will remember this incident I am sure for future reference.

Kind thoughts.

Meg

:: MERRY :: said...

Hi Katherine,

I enjoyed reading your post and am glad you decided to do the kind thing. I also enjoyed reading the various quotes you used in the margin of your page. I think maybe you'd like to read my daughter's blog/book and check our her music as it is along the same lines as your ideas. The link is http://sailorscott.wordpress.com/the-blog/.

If you would like to check out my blog, I think it would be an encouragement to you. The second blog listed below is brand spanking new.

Blessings,
Mary
http://onewhitetree.wordpress.com
http://strength4fear.wordpress.com

Laurie said...

I found your site through Kathy Escobar's site. I too urge you to find a safe place for "church." I used to work in the bookstore of our church, which was a small room attached to the sanctuary. It had coffee, books, comfy chairs. Most of all, it was a good place to be if the sanctuary experience was too much. I knew one young lady who was obsessive compulsive. She listened to the service in the book area, where she could endlessly arrange her napkins, cup, etc. I loved her! There was another guy who was so messed up from years of abuse and drugs, all he could do was sit in the big arm chair in the room, and just soak in what he heard. He was too nervous to sit in the assembly area. That's cool. God's house should be a healing house. Even if you can't make it all the way in, find a place where you are welcomed and loved. That church was helpful to me in my journey of emtional healing just b/c they accepted me the way I was. And I had lots of issues at that time.

Katherine Gunn said...

Laurie, thanks for stopping by. You are welcome. Let me explain a little better, maybe, where I am at and why...

Hmm... it is not just about the sanctuary experience. The last church I was in, I was a leader. There are a lot of things that happened, but it isn't about the sanctuary versus the lobby... it is about the whole institution. I no longer trust the institution of church. My last experience of being abused by the church was not my first. I grew up in church - parents leaders (dad a deacon/board member, mom pianist/Sunday School teacher). The issue is more about not trusting the people inside the church. I have had people that expressed themselves and friends - brothers & sisters - turn on me an abandon me on a dime when I quit following the doctrinal party line.

So - fair or not, right or not, I don't trust the church setting anymore and I don't know that I ever will.

Tyler Dawn said...

I think Katherine has indeed found a wonderful and as safe a place as possible. We love her, encourage her and edify her as she journeys in a real honest place. When/if God wants her to go to some building or whatever, well, she knows His voice well enough to figure it out.

If "church" is a place you can go then it is, of necessity, a place you can leave (and logistically have to at some point). I think many of us want something more real than that, someplace permanent. Many people say we cannot have that in this life, but I think they are wrong. Ekklesia is all around us, it is an ever present thing and once we realise the truth of that, we see fellowship wherever we go.

Once you realise that, you can't GO there, you ARE there :)

Katherine Gunn said...

Tyler, Thanks. :)

I needed the reminder that I am not alone in this. I love you, too. And yes, you do encourage me. (((HUG)))

Valorosa said...

I love what he said to you

Thank you

You're beautiful ;-)