Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Honesty

Hmm...I had an interesting encounter these past few days with a version of my former self.

I came across Jeremy Myers' blog "Till He Comes" a couple of months ago and have enjoyed reading his thoughts on what "church" maybe should look like. In the last few days, he has been doing a series of posts that are generally about the concept of removing the fences from around churches and let Christ draw people in....and he attracted the attention of a couple of people who vehemently disagree with his whole concept. They made a lot of accusations along the lines of 'heretic' and 'blasphemer' and 'going to hell', etc., etc., etc....and I got drawn into the debate for a few days...and was told I had rejected Jesus and was following Jeremy to hell. Sigh. And I realized a couple of things.

The first was that I really did not have the inclination to argue, which came at about the same time as I realized that there could be no profit in it because I was not going to be heard and they would not be able to pull me back into that thinking....

The second was that I felt no great need to defend myself or justify myself or prove my point. And THIS feels good. :-)

But, this exchange has stirred a lot of thoughts and I am going to try to share them coherently....

In trying to explain my position and why I disagreed with their position, I used specific Bible passages that have come alive in new ways to me recently. After spending a year and a half not even being able to read it without getting pissed off, this is a good thing. Unfortunately, they did not see the verses in the same light I do. After a few exchanges, I realized that because of the lens they view the Bible through, no amount of debate will convince them. I know. I used to see things that way, too.

It's the position that the Institutional Church (IC) promotes. Nearly every IC I've seen does this to some degree. They promote an attitude of, "Our denominational doctrine is the only correct one. You must believe and defend our stance or you are not really one of us." The threat of deception into hell looms large. I remember what it felt like. Hanging your faith hat on one denomination's doctrinal statement is a dangerous and tricky business. Any time someone disagrees, anger and fear rise up in alternating measures. You must correct them - win the argument - prove you are right and they are wrong. Why? Because if you don't, then the foundations of what you think God is all about (what the IC of choice or birth has taught you God is about) begin to shake and crack. And that is scary as hell.

And until God planted me in the middle of an ugly IC situation - let me see it for what it really was, and then led me away from the IC - to a place of learning truth (on so many levels), there was nothing that would have enticed me away from the pseudo-sense-of-security the IC offers.

And it was neither an easy nor fun process. Those of you that have followed my blog through the years have gotten a taste of it. That first year out of the IC was a confusing mix of joyous freedoms and deep anxiety. As I have mentioned in other posts, when I left the IC, I entered into a place where everything I had ever been taught about God and church and religion was shattered with the wrecking ball of reality. Most of what I thought I knew about my childhood and family was also shatter by a series of crashing waves of truth....and frankly, at the time, I wasn't sure I would survive. Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to.

Having the illusions and defensive barriers of a lifetime come crashing around your ears is no picnic. (ha!) I spent my days sitting in my car at the park trying to continue reading the Bible and talking to God and talking to my aunt on the phone to try and keep a semblance of sanity. I spent my nights sleeping in my dad's garage on a couch (I was living there and had a bedroom with a bed in it) because it was the only place I felt safe. I spent as many nights as possible at my friend's house. I would lie in bed and just shake. The fear that I was going off the deep end spiritually and mentally dogged me all through this time. I'll never forget in January almost a year after I had left the IC, I was reading the Bible and was in Numbers 5. This chapter has always bothered me. It seems so unfair...and I got angry. I held my Bible up and said, "God, do you see this? This sucks! It's ugly. It doesn't sound like you. Explain this to me." His response sent me in a direction I never expected to go...especially at his leading. He simply said, "Relax. It wasn't written to you." It was at this point I began to quit reading the Bible for a time. At the time, I wasn't sure I ever would again.

Now, you need to understand. Before I left the IC, I read at least 8 chapters a day - every day. I studied the Bible. I wrote papers, led Bible studies, made charts and timelines and....and I don't regret that I did that. It is good to know the Bible.....*grinning* But is also good to know when it's time to lay it down and let God talk to you directly....

I was desperate for TRUTH. And I began to learn that although facing the truth about church, family, yourself, can feel like it's going to annihilate you - it won't (almost, maybe, but...) - it really will set you free. And over the last few years, as I have grown away from that initial system shock, I have been taught by God some incredible, religion defying truths. Then, after he wrote those truths on my heart, he took me back into the Bible and began showing me, with the fresh eyes of freedom, that this truth was actually written in its pages...but as long as the religious filter of my childhood was over it, I would never have seen it.

Truly, it is amazing to me - he loves me enough to break those chains of bondage that were slowly but surely killing me and set me into a larger place - a freer place - a truer place. And I also recognize (and can now live comfortably with the idea) that I do not have the whole picture. There is far more to God and his plan than I will ever be able to comprehend. For a while, after I began to come out of the shock, I was afraid to write much because I knew that in 6 months - a year...I would probably see it better than I do now and be embarrassed at what I wrote. I am a little embarrassed at some of the things I wrote while in the IC. I actually did a 53 page 'study' on Paul's letter to the Romans. Yikes! I am just about ready - after more than 8 years - to take a look at it and see what I did....could be painful, but there might be a little gold scattered.

So...back to the topic being hotly debated at Jeremy's blog....I think that one of the biggest problems with the IC is that attitude of having a corner on the truth. But they don't. Most have some truth...and a lot of man's ideas. The insistence to the contrary, of necessity, creates an 'us vs. them' mentality. And they don't see that as a problem. In fact, one of the commenters actually said it was was necessary - desirable. The concept put forth was essentially: preach the Law at 'them' until they repent. Then let them in the fence....one actually said that if the Law was not preached, then no one would know they needed to repent and so, without the Law, there could be no real salvation. He demanded to know if I was suggesting that I came to salvation without having the Law teach me I needed it. Sigh. So I will say here, on my own blog, what I chose not to get into on someone else's blog....

As I have recounted often in my posts, I cannot remember when Jesus  was not a part of my life. I don't have a 'conversion date'. I have found that I am not the only one. I can tell you places along the way where I have made conscious decisions to reaffirm my love and need and desire for Him. I have moved closer to him - He draws me in. His love is overwhelming and, for one who grew up in the abusive way I did, it is often perplexing. But it doesn't stop. So the answer to the question is: no, I did not have (or need) the Law preached at me to know I needed to turn from 'my way' to 'his way'. In fact, it was the preaching of the Law to me that very nearly destroyed my relationship with him. And I know many will not be able to accept this as valid....

Hmm...one of the passages that was thrown accusingly at me was from Matthew 7 - the one that says there will be those who brag about the wonderful things they did in Jesus' name and he tells them to leave because he never knew them. This is a very familiar passage. He has shown me things from it - it is interesting the wording. He doesn't say they are rejected because they didn't know him....it was because he didn't know them. What he's taught me about this is...a big part of being set free by the truth involves me being honest with him. It involves being naked, bare, nothing hidden before him. It involves not trying to pretend something isn't there - not trying to pretend I believe something I don't. Honest communication with him, sharing everything - joy and sorrows, pains, hurts, fears, doubts, hopes, dreams, everything like he was my best friend - because he is. Brutal honestly. Letting go of the fear of getting it wrong and just being open in his presence.

Knowing about him - even knowing him to some degree that allows working of miracles in his name is not the point. The point is to look inward and know ourselves - let him fully in to know even the bits we can't bear to look at. He is gentle - so gentle. He washes us from the pain of honesty. This is cleansing, freeing pain - like when a wound is cleansed or a broken bone is set. But without that honesty, there really is no relationship. And after all, the relationship is the whole point.

Have I got this all figured out? No. There is still a lot within my own heart I haven't looked at...I am really only able to with his help. And he takes me at the pace I can handle. And I can't even honestly say I always want to be honest. It does hurt. But...I talk to him about it. I want to want to....and he smiles and says that is enough for him to work with.....

12 comments:

Sue said...

"In fact, it was the preaching of the Law to me that very nearly destroyed my relationship with him. And I know many will not be able to accept this as valid...."

Eww, how sad that you even needed to write that many will not be able to accept this as valid. To me, as an outsider looking in on the US from a secular country in Australia, it is this very sort of thing that has SO discredited Christianity amongst people. And with good reason. All those unchurched unwashed heathens can smell something that people who are all righteous and in the right way can often miss, living in the belly of the beast. That IC stuff KILLS. And it's not even killing anything that's worth killing. It kills the deeper things of the spirit.

After the comment left here the other day about this issue, I must confess I voyeuristically surfed over to Jeremy's blog and had a read. Hmmmm. And hmmm :)

How lovely to not have the inclination to argue or the need to defend yourself. Now, THAT is awesome and real freedom :)

Katherine Gunn said...

Sue...wow.

Yes, real freedom. :-)

And yes, to me, the saddest part is that in thinking that they are required by God (because of religious interpretation) to preach condemnation, they are pushing away from God the very people they claim they want to reach. You are right - it kills the deeper things of the spirit. Sigh.

Sue said...

I feel sorry that that man thinks that THAT is what it's all about. He must be very miserable, because nobody can be happy in such a small turning circle. Causes far too much to need to be spirited away into your shadow side where it bulges out so everyone else can see except for you.

May he move on from that soon, the less damage done the better then :)

Jeremy Myers said...

Katherine,

Wonderful post. So much openness, honesty, and hope. I know I'm a man, but my eyes watered a bit as I read it.

You really GET it. It feels good to not have to defend yourself or prove you are right. Isn't it liberating and refreshing?

True freedom!

Katherine Gunn said...

Sue, yes. It is sad. Unfortunately, some people actually relish living in that tight turning circle. It gives them a sense both of security and superiority. The idea of stepping out of that external circle into the realm of the inner thoughts and ideas and fears and hurts and (heaven forbid) doubts is terrifying. I hope he is not like that - or if he is, I hope Papa will put a few thorns in the nest to make it less comfortable.....

Katherine Gunn said...

Jeremy, thank you. The freedom we have is so precious. Freedom - the restoration of relationship from the very beginning - that is the point.

Thank you for reading and your kind words. They mean a lot.

Sam said...

As one condemned to hell along with Jeremy and you - We know this person (yes, singular) is at the very least an angry fanatic. Aren't we glad he's not the Judge? - That would be Jesus.

I too am glad that the words of people like this roll off like water off a duck's back. They tell us nothing about us, but tell us a lot about the person spewing them.

However, I wonder what it is about the Christian religion that breeds this kind of angry person. Whatever, I hate religion, but love Jesus and the people Jesus loves.

From one heretic to another, good post Kathryn!

If you'd like my e-mail, Kathy will give it to you.

Katherine Gunn said...

Hey, Sam...

Yeah, it still gets old, though. And there are days when you wonder if you really are crazy... :-)

Thanks!

T Childs said...

This is brilliant Katherine, for a number of reasons, BUT especially for your honesty; you are telling it lkike it is, rather than pretending. We all have issues as Christians, and because we are all different people, our issues may all be very different; if we hide behind a cosy, but often ultimately false, wall of 'religion' and then pretend everything is all right, we might find we only too readily fall into a ditch, and we might not even know this. Anyway, I really loved reading your intelligent, open, honest and refreshing post, and look forward to many more. I have a blog myself, if you wish to check it out sometime, that has a few posts on Christianity.

Katherine Gunn said...

T Childs - thanks and welcome. Honesty with God (or really, with anyone) is the foundation of a good relationship.

Debra Masters said...

I have come to see the Bible as a foundational primer, but you can't LIVE there, you can't truly KNOW GOD there either. It is a box in which we see GOD and many want to keep him in that little box, but GOD is so much more. I came out of fundamentalist Christianity which almost destroyed me. I am thankful for blogs like yours where I can find others who have survived and thrived!!!

Debra Masters

Jeannette Altes said...

Hey, Debra. Welcome! I understand. I have been frustrated this week because I am finding I still react out of that rigid, fearful religious background sometimes....but I am getting better all the time. It's amazing to me how changing my perspective on how to approach the Bible is both enormously freeing and exciting while still being difficult and scary. Sigh. Papa walks me through....