A Good Parent...

Hmm... it is time to go to bed, but I feel like I need to record this - and I thought I'd share...

This week has been a little rough - digging - looking deeper. My therapist gave me an assignment a couple of weeks ago to make a timeline of my life and then chart, using color coding, the different types of abuse that I experienced throughout my life. It wasn't easy. The night before I was to see her again (last Sunday night) I finally felt it forming in my mind, so I grabbed paper and pen and.... hmm... what emerged was a new concept to me: layers of abuse. I took each person that was abusive and then separated out what type of abuse - some were physical, others emotional, some both. Then the sexual. Anyway, there were points in my childhood when there were as many (or more) as 8 layers of abuse going on.

This has had me thinking a lot. I found a one-act play I wrote for a college class when I was 19. It's pretty cheesy, but the end - there is a soliloquy by the main character just before she kills herself. I was actually writing about a friend that had killed herself about 15 months before I wrote it. But that last bit - what I had her say - was me - a cry for help. What I wrote all those years ago still rings true. Interesting. As I write, I realize I am finally at the place where I can give myself permission to hurt. I am not embarrassed by what I wrote or what I felt anymore. I see it more clearly as not being a defect but damage that was not my fault. Hmm...

Tonight, I picked my Bible up and read it for the first time in 3 months. Some of you are probably thinking, "so?" Understand, I used to be religious about reading it every day. Had my own schedule worked out - did this for years - and well... But when I moved into my new place and away from family and started working, I quit. It wasn't premeditated. I just forgot. And when I would think about it, there was no desire and only flitting guilt (which for me is amazing). But a friend had shared something with me just after I moved in that actually helped...

"But regarding anything beyond this, dear friend, go easy. There is no end to the publishing of books, and constant study wears you out so you're no good for anything else. The last and final word is this: Fear God. Do what he tells you. And that's it. Eventually God will bring everything that we do out in the open and judge it according to its hidden intent, whether it's good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:12-14 (Message)

What I got from that at that time was - relax, you don't have to spend so much time "studying to be approved."

But tonight, I picked it up and just read where I left off. A chapter in 1 Kings, a chapter in Jeremiah, A chapter in Luke and a chapter in Revelation. What a mix, eh?

I read 1 Kings 19, Jeremiah 1, Luke 11, and Revelation 2. As I was finishing Revelation 2, the old fear and guilt began to rise - you're not doing it right, you're going to be in trouble you're are a bad Christian. Hmm... I actually told a friend the other night that I had no desire to be a 'good Christian.' And I don't. That's all just a religious game of works and brownie points and cliques. Wow, I'm all over the place tonight. :-)

Back to the chapters I read. As I finished reading the 2nd chapter of Revelation, and the fear and crap were there, a question rose up through the filters and the fears and all that crap... It was sparked by part of what was in Luke 11, I think...

"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This is not a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your little boy asks for a serving of fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? If your little girl asks for an egg, do you trick her with a spider? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing - you're at least decent to your own children. And don't you think the Father who conceived you in love will give the Holy Spirit when you ask him?" Luke 11:10-13 (Message)

The question that rose up was actually referencing another passage....

"Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]" Colossians 3:21 (Amplified)

First this verse came to mind, followed by the question: would God do this to His children? Paul admonishes fathers not to do this - would God do this? I have to admit that I can't quantitatively say that He would not. But my heart says that He absolutely would not. But my soul, the little girl, says that He better not or she doesn't want anything to do with Him. And I have to admit that I agree with her. If God is abusive, then He does not deserve to be worshipped or followed. But... my Papa God is not a child abuser. I know this even if I don't fully trust it yet. 

It's funny. My ex-pastor used to say this, "God is not a child abuser." He said it in reference to God making people sick to teach them a lesson or sending hurricanes, earthquakes, etc., to show His displeasure. And you know what? As much as I hate agreeing with my ex-pastor on anything, I agree with this statement. And this brings in one of the other chapters that I read today. It kind of showed me that this was true. I am going to be ornery and not quote where I saw this. It was in 1 Kings 19. I would ask you to read it for yourself and see what you find... I was relieved to find where God wasn't...

I finish with this thought: take a look and the various mythologies from Sumaria to Greece to Rome to Polynesia - where did they find their gods? My Papa God does not behave like the Pagan gods...

On Being a Disappointment

Hmm... It's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. This has been kind of rolling around n my head for a while, but tonight, it is keeping me awake - at least I think it's what's keeping me awake. "This" is the idea that we have disappointed God.

For me, I have spent my life feeling like I was a perpetual disappointment. This stems, at least in part (okay, probably almost entirely) from the emotional and other abuse as a child. I have always felt that my parents were disappointed in me - and that God was disappointed in me - that I was not living up to my potential. Sigh. How to put this in words - because of what happened to me (in my mind, it has always been more what I did than what happened to me - until recently), I felt that I had ruined my potential. I was raised with the idea that I could be this or that great thing - if I had the dedication to do what it took to accomplish these great things. But I was also told, in subtle ways, from early on that I did not have that drive. So, set up for feeling like a perpetual disappointment.

This has translated into my view of how God sees me. I think it is also something that religion has used to control people's behavior - if you do this or that - or don't do this or that, God will be disappointed in you. This is sick, abusive and messes with people's relationship with Jesus and with Papa God. Here's what has been circling around in my brain tonight...

What is disappointment? What is required for someone to be disappointed? It requires that we do not live up to their expectation of us. It means that they expected us to do A and we did B or C or Z. It is easy to understand how that happens between humans. But God? Hmm... in order for Him to be disappointed in us, wouldn't He have to expect us to do one thing, when we do something else? In order for that to happen, wouldn't it require Him not to know what we are going to do? Let's see if I can get this out in words. I don't think it is possible for God to be disappointed in us because it is not possible for us to do something He does not expect. Hmm... this leads to other thoughts and questions, but I think, for tonight, it is enough to look at the concept that God is never disappointed in us - it would require Him to be something He is incapable of being... caught off guard. 

Anyway, middle of the night thoughts....

Slow Time For Blogging

I just wanted to let you all know I am still here. I am going through a period of internal processing that isn't easy to put into words and separate into individual thoughts. Posting may be pretty sporadic for a while. I will post again - just not sure when and how often in the immediate. Thank you all for your kind words of support, they have helped - continue to help. Hmm... funny how I'm suddenly shy about anting to tell you all what's going on. Ah, well. Basically, now that I am out of the familial environment, the internal issues from the sexual abuse are coming back to the forefront and the little girl wants to come out of the cellar (see posts on survival, awareness & breaking free in April, 2008). And that is going to take a lot of energy, I think. When I am up to it, I will post what's going on, but if there is a gap of time between posts, know that I am not gone - just working... thank you all, again, for your support. You are amazing.

New place to go and visit...

I just wanted to let you all know about a new site called Rahab's Kitchen. It is a place to come and sit and have a cup of coffee and just talk - share - encourage each other. Check it out if you want. You'll probably find me popping in out, having a cup of tea and some cookies...

Abusive Love

[EDIT NOTE: I have added to the end of this post at 3:30 my time.]

This one has been difficult to start. I have wrestled with wondering if I am off in dangerous places and if so, why would I want to lead others there with me... but in the end, this is where I am and writing about what I see is the whole point, right? I will state this caveat up front. This is only the churches I have had experience with. I pray there are churches out there that do not do this....

So, what do I mean by "abusive love?" There are so many things that could fit under this heading. But I am going to focus on one thing in particular. I notice it most in the church. In essence, it is using the threat of being out of God's will with if you don't walk in love.

Hmm... I recognize this more and more in the church the more I am removed from it. There is this idea that in order to 'walk in love,' we have to be nice all the time. What do I mean? Okay, it isn't nice to tell someone they have upset you or hurt you. I heard the misuse of this verse - "Love covers... just walk in love" - so much it makes me want to puke. 

Okay. How do I get this from my head into words. Hmm... within the the church culture, there is a theme of 'walking in love' that says you 'love your brothers and sister in Christ' no matter what. You must always forgive and overlook hurts and love covers, it doesn't expose. Hmm... how to convey what I see... Okay, it has been created into this thing that is like a code of silence. It stretches to the place where if you speak up and say,"Hey, that's not right," you are accused of attacking.

Love is a foundational element to the Christian faith. Love is what moves Papa to act. Love is what moved Jesus to act. But I don't think, from my own limited experience, that the church really knows what love means - what it is - what it does. I think they try, as they do with so many things, to use the concept of love to modify people's behavior. And if people behave civilly and are nice to each other, that is all most churches really care about. 

They take it to another level when they tell the people that if they are doing this or not doing that, the are not walking in love. It creates a climate of fear. People become afraid of being accused of not walking in love, so they stuff the pain or anger when someone hurts them. Hmm... there is a woman in the church that I left. She was also a leader. And she was a bossy, controlling type. And her love walk was her pride and joy. Anytime someone did something she didn't like, she would say, "I'm maintaining my love walk. So I'm letting that go." Hmm.. how paradoxical - that walking in love can become all about her and not about others... She was also the love walk police. She would admonish everyone to 'maintain their love walk.' Argh!

I digress. This is an attitude that I see in a general way in the church. And as I said, it is more about behavior modification than building relationships - with each other and with God. 

But if the leadership of that church has an abusive bent...

This is where it can get really twisted. (Like the above isn't bad enough.) An abusive pastor will use a profession of love to disguise their true intent. I think, after a while, they even convince themselves that their lies are truth. The greatest way to mask emotional abuse is to tell someone that you love them. My former pastor says from the pulpit - and makes sure it is in all the church literature - that he loves people. (Don't let me get diverted on the issue of how he loves his female flock...) But his actions belie his words. When the truly desperate come into that church looking for help, they are either turned away or become the pet project. But the congregation says, "yes, we're all about loving people." But they don't. They just talk about how wonderful it is to be about that. And if the pastor is accused of wrongdoing, they exclaim, "He couldn't do that. He loves people." Hmm... 

I was reading a comment on another blog that is devoted to abuse in the church - Because It Matters - and in it, the commenter implied that if a church was not busy doing missions and outreach, it was not really a church and should get over itself. Now the church he was talking about was one that formed from members of another church in which the pastor was caught having sex with a teenage member and those who tried to expose it were kicked out - including the teenager and her father. They then began their own church. They had, apparently, done some outreach type of work at first, but then chose to hold off on that until they were settled with a location and leadership, etc. Doing this meant they were not really a church?

And this brings me to the crux of the matter, I think. The church, as a whole, in my observation, tends to eat its wounded. They are so afraid of appearing imperfect to the 'outside world' that they throw their wounded to the wolves and put up walls to protect the wolves among them. And when you try to talk about it in a public forum, you are accused of being unchristian, heretical, heathen, or anything else they can think of... you are not walking in love because love forgives and love covers.

Yes, love does cover. But it does not enable. Here's how I see the concept of love covering: it is when someone falls into a mud puddle and asks for help - wants out of the puddle but can't get out on their own. Love reaches out a hand and helps them out of the mud and takes it's cloak and covers them up until they can get cleaned up to cover the shame of being covered with mud in public. What love is not is throwing a cloak over and covering up someone who jumps into the mud puddle and splashes around and grabs passersby and pulls them in. Love covers, it doesn't expose? My pastor, when I confronted him with what he was doing, actually said that God would not expose sin that way. Really? Ask Ananias and Sapphira. Ask King David. I think, sometimes, love must expose.

Until the church learns to love those within its four walls - especially the ones it has wounded, it has no business taking a false love to the world. It is like a form of love (a cardboard caricature, if you will) that denies the power of God's real love. Those outside the church  smell the fake a mile away - and run. 

So I guess I have this question for the church - I'm calling the church out: what is more important - your image or the people that are wounded in your midst? Is it okay to wound and leaving bleeding by the side of the road, covering up the actions of the wounders, for the sake of appearances?

And by the way, as to your image... this behavior of eating your wounded is visible from the outside and it has done more to damage to the church's image than anything else I can think of.

[I would like to add that I believe there is an example of a church who gets this. Kathy Escobar at the Refuge in Denver gets it. And pays a heavy price sometimes for living it. My hat is off to you, Kathy. And my prayers for your strength and peace and grace to carry you through till you are done.]

New post coming, I promise.....

This past month has been a little nuts - I haven't had the energy to even think, much. Hence the scant posts. But there is one brewing about the abuse of love that I hope to get written in the next few days, so stayed tuned.... =D

Another Wolf...

Hmm... this is something that was brought to my attention a few weeks ago. And it is pissing me off. And the Institutional Church wonders why people are leaving - why people don't trust them. 

As I have mentioned in a few of my posts, my former pastor turned out to be a sexual predator. Ugly. Messy. Painful. My best friend nearly destroyed. As I may or may not have mentioned before, the first pastor I was under (ages 0-4) was also a sexual predator. After I left the church a year and a half ago, I attended (casually) a local mega-church (wanting anonymity) and the senior pastor resigned then confessed to having an affair. Now this.

If you want to know the details, you can read about them here. In a nutshell, he is seducing women and extorting money from people in the name of God. Understand that this man is someone I know personally. I have taken him to dinner - given him money - regarded him as a man of God - looked up to him. Then the warning signs started - about the time I left the church. I have attended one of the meetings of this 'cult.' And it is a cult. And I am so pissed and so sad and so tired of this crap. I personally know some of the people he has 'taken advantage of.' They were friends (some still are, just not as close as we once were). And I see the carnage these men leave behind - broken lives. Damage that takes years to mend - if ever. And I feel the urge to inflict physical harm. I don't really want to and I would not act on it. But I have to say, there is not much that makes me more angry than this kind of shit. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust a minister again. (Sorry, if you are one, but...)

And I know some of the people that are still involved with this cult. And they will not hear. And I guess I just needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening. 

(I have some other things brewing for posts... once I adjust to the new work schedule. ;-) )