Tuesday, August 5, 2008

In My New Place...

Well, tonight is my sixth night in my new apartment. The numb is beginning to wear off. And I find myself crying tonight. 


I have finished the second day of my new job - training. The last couple of days have been rough. I have been physically wiped out - muscles so tired I could barely walk. Struggled to make it through the first day of training. Today was a little better. Have been waiting for my turn in the laundry room for 3 1/2 hours. Little things can be overwhelming when you are tired and hurting. 

I have been kind of on auto-pilot the last week or so - survival mode. Tonight, I am experiencing one of the deepest wounds of the abuse. I am feeling very alone and abandoned. And I am feeling guilty for that. I should be grateful that I am not living on the street. And I am. But where I live does not alter the wounds and their nature.

I'm not even sure I know how to put into words how it feels. There is a pain that runs so deep it is hard to even pin down and describe. If I let my guard down or something happens that pokes a hole in that guard, I begin to cry from my very toes. And I can't explain what is wrong. It just hurts. I don't trust that people, even my closest friend, will not just walk away - I'm not even sure that God doesn't sometimes orchestrate shifting people away from me for some purpose that is supposed to be for my greater good. And I am afraid - I have finally allowed someone inside the wall and I am afraid that they will leave - or God will lead them away - and I will be alone again.

And I know this is not rational. I am sorry for the rawness of this post. If you wanted to know what abuse does to someone, here you go. ;-) I would love to say that this will pass, but I can't because I don't know that it will. It hasn't so far in the 30+ years that I have been feeling it. 

I don't know how to trust. I am afraid to trust. Do I trust Papa God? Not completely. More than I used to? Maybe, a little. So what do I do? I don't know. Keep moving forward - hoping that the direction I am moving is forward. He tells me, "Relax and trust Me." I don't know how. I'm trying. I trying....

29 comments:

Sue said...

Oh, my dear dear Katherine.

(((Hugs))))

This is not the time to worry about whether those wounds are going to heal. This is a time to be extra ultra extra ultra nice to yourself, to nurture yourself even though part of you doesn't want to. You have started a new job and moved house all in the space of a week. If you weren't feeling totally disorientated, I don't think you would be human. And yeah, it feels rather unfair that the wound rears up its ugly head just when you are least able to deal with it :(

Hugs for you my friend. Hang in there. Thanks for sharing with us.

placeofgrace said...

Katherine
((hug, hug, hug))

You are so brave, to go out on your own is very challenging as it is. To do it after such a long time, after suffering so much abuse, being broken to nearly beyond repair - well, it must be overwhelming - you really are courageous and strong!!

Even if it does not feel that way right now, I still want to confirm to you that you are NOT alone. He is with you, crying with you, holding you in His arms.

Like Sue, I want to say: Hang in there. Things will get better, you will adapt - you will smile again :).

You are still in our prayers - continuously!!!

placeofgrace said...

Katherine,
I just received this from one of my young student friends. Maybe you know this story, maybe you don't - I thought is relates nicely to you:
Scars of Love

"Some years ago, on a hot summer day in south Florida, a
little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole that was behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out through the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.

In the house, his mother was looking out through the window. She saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, she ran toward the water, yelling to her son as loudly as she could.

Hearing her voice, the little boy became alarmed, and made a U-turn to swim to his mother. It was too late. Just as he reached her, the
alligator reached him. From the dock, the mother grabbed her little boy by the arms, just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began a very incredible tug-of-war between the two.

The alligator was much stronger than the mother, but the mother was much too passionate to let go.

A farmer happened to drive by, heard her screams, raced from his truck, took aim, and shot the alligator. Remarkably, after weeks
and weeks in the hospital, the little boy SURVIVED. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. On his arms, there were deep scratches where his mother's fingernails dug into his flesh; in her effort to hang on to the son she loved.

The newspaper reporter, who interviewed the boy after the
trauma, asked the boy if he would show him his scars.

The boy lifted his pant legs. Then, with obvious pride, he
said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms,too. I have them because my Mom wouldn't let go."

You and I can identify with that little boy.

We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly, and have caused
us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been right there, holding on to you.

If you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very,
very grateful. He will not ever let you go."

Tracy Simmons said...

Katherine, I echo what Sue said. You're right in the midst of two very stressful situations (moving and new job), so give yourself permission to teeter a bit while you gain your bearings again. You WILL gain your bearings again, woman!

The worst thing about feeling what you currently are feeling is that it can seem as if this is how you will always feel. I'm here to tell you: IT IS NOT. This hard season will pass, life will continue on, you WILL have moments of joy again, and you will not always ache the way you do, physically, right now. It's so easy to believe the lie that what you're in the midst of feeling is all you will ever feel, but it is not the truth.

I'm glad you shared with us how you're doing.

Hugs from across the miles,
Tracy

abmo said...

Hi Katherine,

I agree with Sue. This is really a time to be extra ultra extra ultra nice to yourself. While you feel the loneliness in your bones, it is perhaps a time to reflect on what a kind of home you want. Will it be open for others? Will it be a sanctuary for the weary? Will it be a place of music? Will it be a place where children can come for ice cream? :) Will the people that visit your home find rest? Anybody can have a place to stay, but to create a home takes time.

The quote Kung Fu Panda. There is now a level zero. From here on onwards, your home will take shape and God will be there every step of the way.

p.s. Never make your home your hiding place. Make it your safe place.

God bless

AmyC. said...

Katherine,
I completely echo what Sue said.
Quite honestly, I honor the rawness & realness of this post. And, you are NOT the only one with such feelings. In fact, you're post is encouraging to me, personally, as I've been going through my own roughness as of late. I understand your struggles with trust. It's such a process, huh?! But the very fact that you (and me, too!!) WANT to learn to trust Him 100%...that's what Papa sees in our hearts. He'll help us get there.
Katherine, Papa will see you through. He is fond of you. He loves you. So do I, sister. Am praying for you.

~Amy :)
www.myspace.com/amyinsurprise

Tyler Dawn said...

Baby, don't feel like you have to trust anyone. God once taught me that when I don't trust Him in an area it is because He hasn't taught me to do so yet and He doesn't hold it against me. God knows you don't trust Him and He sees the reasons, and He knows that those reasons are your reality and not some capricious decision on your part. Until He fundamentally changes that reality, you are not going to be ABLE to trust Him and He knows that. He is enormously understanding about it.

Big hugs, sweetie. I'm going to go lay down and pray for you now.

Manuela said...

Hi, this is Manuela. I don't know if you've stopped by my blog, but you are linked to almost all the blogs I frequent. Your blogs have been a help to me (I'm not sure I've commented before)
I know how you feel. I too have some deep wounds from my past and when life gets stressful, or there's a lot of changes (like you're in) it feels like I'll lose it. It's so horrible to not be able to trust... I can relate. I can relate to feeling forsaken by God. Today I read Psalm 88-- pretty much how I'm feeling, describes me pretty well. It ends with "the darkness is my closest friend..."! Except the beginning verse is, Oh Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you--It's hard to believe when our emotions are so raw. It just totally wears you out, physically and mentally. It' s hard to be rational. (Writing and sharing helps me - even here : ) )
Your courage is great and God will deliver you. He is with us even when it feels like the darkness is our closest friend. Pray for me also.... Stop by my blog sometime, if you can. I am a fellow abuse survivor. (I don't totally share my story there for privacy purposes... but I share some things.) I know recovery can feel like hell. It's like there are huge monsters to defeat and you don't know when they are coming back.... That's how I feel sometimes, anyway. I feels like it won't pass... I get mad at God, and Satan whispers in my ear... "you're just too screwed up, there's no hope for you."
I think Jesus is gathering his wounded lambs together, and carrying them somehow. He is big enough. He will never leave us or forsake us....

Manuela said...

Here's Psalm 88....( I tried to send it before, but I think I deleted it-- sorry if you get it twice!)

1 O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
3 For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Selah
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Selah
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction ?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

Katherine Gunn said...

Wow. You guys are amazing. Tears. THANK YOU ALL!!!

Sue - I'm not sure I know how to be nice to myself. Hmm... being human sucks, sometimes, eh? (((Receiving and returning Hugs)))

Anette - ((Receiving and returning hugs)) Brave? Hmm... I feel weak and timid and weary and anything but brave. Hmm... the scars of love - I have felt like the object of a serious tug-of-war for many years, especially the last couple.

Tracy - Hmm... my head knows that, but my emotions... thank you, hug received and returned!

Abmo - Hmm... like I said to Sue, I'm not sure I know how to do that. As far as my home - a safe place has always equated, to me, a place to hide. I used to hide a lot when I was little - in the closet, in the hamper, even between the mattresses of my parents bed. ;-) Hiding = safety to me. I'm not sure I know how to separate the two.

AmyC. - thanks for coming by and thank you for your kind words. I went to your MySpace page, but it is set to private... We have to trust Him that he will lead us into a place of trust? ;-)

Tyler - Hmm... I know. The post you made a month ago from Papa is printed out. I have read it several times. Sometimes, though, I just get tired and the pain comes to the surface and nothing seems right or good or worthwhile or hopeful. Yeah. The fact that you would go pray for me - that any of you all would do that - is astonishing to me and makes me cry. Thank you.

Manuela - Thanks for coming by and sharing. Monsters - yeah, I know that place. I will pray for you, too.

abmo said...

Hi Katherine,

for me, a safe place is also a hiding place, but if your home is a hiding place first, it becomes a place that keeps people out. When we build walls around ourselves to protect us from pain, the same walls will also keep love away from us.

Your home can be a hiding place, but it should be a "living" place first.

It's difficult to explain. We have a friend that bruises easily. When she hurts, she goes into her home, locks the doors and feel very sorry for herself. When she locks the doors nobody can come in and comfort her. Then she feels even more alone. It's OK to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes, but we have to let people into the hurt to cry with us.

((Long hug))

Free Spirit said...

Katherine,
I just want to thank you for your realness and lack of effort to impress. Anyone who's spent time in the IC, knows that that's the first rule you learn (albeit subconsciously); NEVER let 'em see you sweat (i.e. NEVER show your real struggle). I'm afraid you've violated the contract, with religion, that you likely didn't even know you signed. Fortunately, that's probably the BEST indication that Papa's at work in you.

He doesn't care that you don't trust Him; that's not His goal; it's ours. His goal is to love you profoundly. Trust is just the natural by-product. Not something to strive for or feel guilty about.

Katherine, I don't expect you to trust me, when you have not known my love. Nor does He.

A thought that comes to mind, is that I just don't think I'm gonna be disappointed when I see Him face to face, not with this One who calls Himself Love. Truth be known, we ALL lack trust, because we've all been hi-jacked out of His love, me included. Don't worry. He'll come after us... He always does. There will come a day when Love will, naturally, have obliterated our every scar, and only then, will trust emerge.

Papa, we need some good lovin' here. For as much as we know, we really know You not. It's gotta be You, or nothin', Papa. I can't even conjure it up. If You're not real, and love isn't real, then the deal's off!! Count me OUT!! I'm not lookin' for a crutch, I'm lookin' for a blood transfusion!!!

Katherine Gunn said...

Abmo~

I understand. There is a lot of fear to overcome. Some of the worst things that happened to me happened in my own room - in my own bed. It is difficult not to want to protect my living space. But I do not want to isolate, either. I've been there before and I know the dead end of that road. There are two people that I have trusted enough to give a key to my apartment and they are welcome here any time - they know that, and I know they will not abuse that. It is a start.

As to letting people into the hurt to cry with me, that is hard. I have spent a lifetime being taught that crying was unacceptable and that I was weak and being a baby when I cried - for any reason.I spent over a decade not even able to cry. I still struggle with feeling guilty when I let someone see me cry - like I am hurting them.

Katherine Gunn said...

Free Spirit~

Deep breath. Thanks. I know. He will not let me go...

traveller said...

You obviously have many friends...just see the comments.

May Father give you courage, perseverance, strength and patience. I believe He continues his work to complete the good work of creation that he has started already.

Katherine Gunn said...

Traveller~

Yeah, I noticed that. I wish you all were where I could have you over (maybe in groups of 2 or 3, at first ;-) ). I have survived my first week. I am better than I was Monday. Hmm... thanks for your prayers. They mean a lot.

Manuela said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog :) it was nice to see you. I hope things are better. You're in my prayers...

Mike said...

The only thing we can do is pray for you. Peace.

Who Am I? said...

Katherine,
I decided to finally create my own Blog. I hope you will come visit "me," add me to your Feeds, read my entries, and leave comments. I'd love that!!
By the way, your Blog is in my Blogroll!

http://amyiswalkinginthespirit.blogspot.com/

Thanks!
~Amy :)

Katherine Gunn said...

Manuela~

Thanks. It comes in waves, so to speak. Not bad today...


Mike~

Thank you. That is more than enough, Peace back to you.


Amy~

Thanks. I'll check it out.

Valorosa said...

One day at a time ...
Don't think of tomorrow any more than you have to.
Breathe in today.
Walk away from anyone who doesn't treat you right ... pray that they find peace in their own lives, some how some day.
Only help people who receive your help. You can do nothing more than pray for them if they won't.
Don't be used ... you are not helping or loving the user or yourself.
Walk away and pray for those who would try to use you.
Freedom is always there for you even if you are physically held captive.
Freedom is in your heart and mind ... it is the Spirit of the Lord.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty and you will find peace and contentment in whatever your circumstances are.

Walk on sweet sister XXOO

Katherine Gunn said...

Valorosa~

Thanks. Yeah, walk on. Tears. When your soul is tired, it is hard to walk on. But He will give me strength, too. And I will walk on.

Robert said...

Hi Katherine- I echo so much of what has already been said. I too find it so difficult to show grace to myself and to trust God. Abuse was a factor and other traumas. I have sought via blogging to stick my neck out and learn to risk and trust bit by bit, its never easy.I know what you mean about your feelings feeling anything but what you want to feel your sharing shows that they are in you and i pray that lil by lil comfort and peace will dwell deep inside you thank you for sharing so raw your reality

Katherine Gunn said...

Robert~

Thanks. And you are welcome. It is a little easier to risk here on the internet, and yet it is not so easy... rejection is still rejection. Thank you - all of you - that you do not reject me.

Meg said...

Gee,

I don't know about you Katherine, but reading all this encouragement and love has made me feel better, on a day when I needed it.

Thanks.

Katherine Gunn said...

Meg~

{{{HUG}}}

Molly Aley said...

((((hugs))))

Thankfully Broken said...

Dear Friend,
I am sending you many hugs across the miles that physically divide us, but you are so close emotionally I hope you can feel them. Thank you for sharing your vulnerablity and pain, you reach so many people because of who you are and your ability to express your feelings to so many who feel as if they have no voice or ability to say or ask what they need to. I have been quiet lately for many of the same reasons you have written about. My heart is aching far beyond what anyone can see. But there is hope for us, so many walking wounded in the world. There is healing in our sharing with each other and someday we will find joy. Love, Kim

Katherine Gunn said...

Molly~

((((HUGS)))) back. Thanks!

Kimberly~

I know. I understand. Yes, there is joy in our futures. {{{HUG}}}