Well, tonight is my sixth night in my new apartment. The numb is beginning to wear off. And I find myself crying tonight.
I have finished the second day of my new job - training. The last couple of days have been rough. I have been physically wiped out - muscles so tired I could barely walk. Struggled to make it through the first day of training. Today was a little better. Have been waiting for my turn in the laundry room for 3 1/2 hours. Little things can be overwhelming when you are tired and hurting.
I have been kind of on auto-pilot the last week or so - survival mode. Tonight, I am experiencing one of the deepest wounds of the abuse. I am feeling very alone and abandoned. And I am feeling guilty for that. I should be grateful that I am not living on the street. And I am. But where I live does not alter the wounds and their nature.
I'm not even sure I know how to put into words how it feels. There is a pain that runs so deep it is hard to even pin down and describe. If I let my guard down or something happens that pokes a hole in that guard, I begin to cry from my very toes. And I can't explain what is wrong. It just hurts. I don't trust that people, even my closest friend, will not just walk away - I'm not even sure that God doesn't sometimes orchestrate shifting people away from me for some purpose that is supposed to be for my greater good. And I am afraid - I have finally allowed someone inside the wall and I am afraid that they will leave - or God will lead them away - and I will be alone again.
And I know this is not rational. I am sorry for the rawness of this post. If you wanted to know what abuse does to someone, here you go. ;-) I would love to say that this will pass, but I can't because I don't know that it will. It hasn't so far in the 30+ years that I have been feeling it.
I don't know how to trust. I am afraid to trust. Do I trust Papa God? Not completely. More than I used to? Maybe, a little. So what do I do? I don't know. Keep moving forward - hoping that the direction I am moving is forward. He tells me, "Relax and trust Me." I don't know how. I'm trying. I trying....