Monday, December 1, 2008

Life and stuff...

Wow, it's been a while since I posted. A lot going on. Sometimes the processing is hard to put into words.

So, I guess to catch you all up, I'll just try a little free-form itemized kind of recap....

My cousin sent me a copy of The Shack, which I have been avoiding because I just get stubborn when anyone tells me I 'should' read something. Takes all the fun out of it for me 'cause now it feels like there are expectations that I will like it as much as they do and want to talk about it... Well, it is a well written book with some powerful things in it and it has pissed me off. Because some of the issues that are in the forefront for me right now... the answers given in this book did not sit well. And I am not sure what to do with that.

My mind and emotions are not getting better as fast as I want them to. I feel like I am going backward. But when I brought that up with my therapist today, she said that I am making good progress. I am delving deeper into the issues. Okay. Delving deeper hurts more - makes it feel like I'm going backward when I'm not. I can see that logically, but it still hurts and I still have moments when I break down and cry - often.

Last Sunday (the 25th), my mom was taken to the hospital and put in ICU. Her throat closed and she couldn't breath. This has happened before. The docs can't figure out the root. She called me on Monday and told me she was in the hospital. I didn't much care (or at least it didn't feel like I did), and that bothers me a little. She went home on Friday, but in the meantime, my sis and I talked on the phone several times and I thought things were going to be good between us. She said she understood that I couldn't go see mom and she was okay with it. She would keep me updated as needed. but then she posted on her blog. Stark reminder for me why I blog under a pseudonym. What she wrote hurt - trust evaporated. Sigh. I did call mom once. She's as manipulative as ever...

I spent my first ever Thanksgiving alone. And it was nice to not have the family pressure.

I realized, while listening to a friend talk about a worship service, at least another part of why that (worship services - church) makes my skin crawl. I still don't trust myself not to be sucked in and deceived again. Ugh. And I am pissed off at preachers in general - the Institutional Church, in general - and the whole religious thing. I'm pissed off that I was used and abused and lied to. Bound in chains of fear from early childhood. I'm pissed that I don't know what the fuck the truth is. And it scares me that I don't know what the fuck the truth is. I'm still afraid that my mom and the IC are right and I'm going to end up having to grovel back. I'm pissed that my mom is telling my molester that she doesn't know why I won't call her or see her.

My heart wants to be lost in Papa - I want to hide  - disappear in Jesus, but I am not sure I even know what that means anymore. 

In a nutshell, I am a scared little girl and I don't know what is expected of me. And I just want a nice dark comfy closet to hide in - to be safe in. And I don't know where to find that.

So, maybe, after this post, it's a good thing I haven't blogged much lately. :-) Sorry for the rawness, but I need to get some of this out.


Sue said...

"I'm still afraid that my mom and the IC are right and I'm going to end up having to grovel back. I'm pissed that my mom is telling my molester that she doesn't know why I won't call her or see her."


Was it intentional, you putting these two sentences next to each other? Because that second sentence just answers the first.

They're not right. They're wrong. You are on the right path. You are. I can feel it all the way in the bottom of my gut. Keep walking.

Haha - the word verification for this comment is "coper". I feel like you - unravelling a whole lot of things to repackage them again. I am so SO SO SO SO FUCKING ANGRY at the moment. And it's good because it's actually bringing things into focus.

I am always here for you if you ever want to talk. God is in this, KG, he is. It's just that sometimes it doesn't feel like it :(

Katherine Gunn said...

Hmm... no, it wasn't intentional. Interesting. Thank you... for your words and your offer. I would love to talk sometime, but not sure what to say... where to start. Thank you.

Erin said...

I'm sending you a hug. It's not much, but it's what I have. There is so much you deal with that I just don't have answers to. Oh, I have good Christian platitudes, but we know all they are bullshit so I won't bother you with them.

I'll just say that I love you and pray that God holds you close, whispers the things you need to hear and helps you feel loved.

Tyler Dawn said...

You are just fine, the truth is the truth even if you are the only one who sees it.

I am so sorry about what happened with your Sis. There is no easy way to deal with that :( It sucks.

big hugs to you. As Walt Disney said, "Keep moving forward..." even if it feels backwards.

Joel B. said...

Your rawness is all right with me! I don't know you well but I know (from what you've shared) that you've been through so much crap and it's not as if you can just flip some switch and get over it all. It looks like you're digging into it and working through it, which is a lot harder than simply covering it up and moving on with a nice happy shiny plastic smile, but in the long run it's sooo worth it.

Something kept going through my head as I read your post and as I wrote this, and it might be worth sharing. It's the NASB version of Psalm 46:10. 'Cease striving and know that I am God.' The words have brought peace to my heart at various times.

Katherine Gunn said...

Erin, thank you. I will take that hug. I hope someday to return it. Your support and friendship mean a ton to me.

Katherine Gunn said...

Tyler, wow - thanks. Yeah, I think I am just going to have to pull back from family for my own safety.

And that is an interesting choice of quotes. It is one of the things that I have been told for months now... just keep moving forward. Hmm...

Katherine Gunn said...

Joel, thank you. You have an interesting choice of quotes, too. In the NKJV, it is, "Be still and know that I am God.." That has been a foundational verse for me for the last 2 years - with the added statements, "Peace, be still," and "Relax and trust Me." Yeah.

Angela said...

Hi Katherine,

I stumbled on your blog because it's blog comment day and I decided to check out yours. But maybe it's not coincidence.

We have some things in common. I've read The Shack and heard the author speak. I've been in spiritually abusive churches/Christian communities. I was also molested as a little girl, which I didn't remember until many years later.

So basically, I've been a shattered mess inside and sat huddled in the dark, afraid and alone. But I've also experienced the tenderness of Jesus like I've never known. I've felt Him healing my deepest wounds one by one and carrying my own pain on Himself. He continues to do that even now.

It is possible to know the truth in the depths of your being and to be set free, just like the verse you have on your blog. It's possible to walk out of the darkness, leave the shame and fear behind and enter the radiant light of His love and peace as His Beloved One. I know it because God has done that for me.

I will be praying for you. Thank you for your transparency. That takes courage. I pray the Lord gives you hope and a glimpse of how He sees you.

Katherine Gunn said...

Angela, thank you for dropping by and for your own transparency and encouragement.

Anonymous said...

I wish there were words to comfort you, but like Erin I also think all the platitudes are empty and without value. If I could I would have loved to sit and drink a cup of coffee with you. Maybe I would even have enticed you to build a puzzle with me - it seem to work for me and my friend if we need support but no advice.

It sounds to me as if the scared little girl need to curl up into Father's lap some more.

Love you

Katherine Gunn said...

Anette, thank you. I would love to build a puzzle with you. As to curling up in Papa's lap, I'm not sure I even know how... But I'd love to.

Nate said...

Hello Katherine,
My name is Nate, and I am dropping by all of the blogs of the people that come to Rahab's to say Hi. Reading your blog a little to get a sense of you and where you are on this deconstruction thing.

I will offer 2 things for you. 1st, I did not much like The Shack. So you don't want to go to church anymore by Jake Colson had much better guidance for me.(by the way, I forbid you to read this book){will the reverse psycholgy work?} 2nd, screw everybody and their expectations of you for a while. Just feel what you are feeling, and know that God still accepts you anyway. When you are feeling better about yourself, and your relationship with God, then deal with that other crap. One thing at a time.

Merry Christmas, and may God's blessings be on you in the coming year.

Katherine Gunn said...

Nate, thanks for stopping by.

:-) LOL! reverse psychology.

James said...

Katherine Gunn

Thanks for sharing that some would find impossible to share...

Having been a victim of sexual abuse myself and from one who presented himself as a spiritual mentor and head of his own church took from me something which didn’t belong to him. Being of young of age and young of mind, this can be done easily enough with lies and manipulation.

Whenever we are abuse from one we are lead to believe is but an follower of God only to discover that they have lied not only to us but to themselves as well, this will leave us asking ourselves the same questions which would be, is there really a God? And if so, then where are you at now my heavenly Father?

Both of these questions never come easy unto us. Like a beggar in the streets we hungry for the answers as the beggar hungers for a taste of bread.

Until that day comes when we began to see that it was man’s deceitfulness and wrong doing that allow this and that God’s hands were bound as well as ours for our heavenly Father had nothing whatsoever to do with man’s sins. But with God’s great love and teachings has in time brought us back into his presents with both glory and praise of our heavenly Father.

I shall never again blame you my heavenly Father.
I shall lay blame where it truly belongs which is at the feet of my abuser.
Then I shall give you heavenly Father my pain
And allow you to judge them which lied to both themselves and I.

Thank you again for sharing your pain....