Saturday, December 6, 2008

Odd Space...

Hmm... it is such an odd space I find myself in.

My sister is moved back as of Thursday. And I don't know how I feel about that. Trepidatious? Haven't seen her yet, but we've talked on the phone a few times.

Hmm... My friend told me today that she had heard that someone we know is thinking of starting a church. She talked to him and he said that it had been prophesied over him and that he is thinking about it, but he doesn't have a clear picture yet, and all he is planning right now is maybe starting some meetings once a month starting in January. And Something much akin to hope rose inside and is scaring the crap out of me.

As I was leaving her house, she was talking with her sister and cousin about going to church in the morning. And a part of me is a little jealous of that desire. But.... 

So on the way home, I stopped at the liquor store and got a 6 pack of Guinness Draught. And although I am tempted to get plastered, I will stop at one. My friend want s to go to church and I want a beer....

So why am I hopeful... excited, even, about this person starting a group of meetings? Hmm... well, from what I know of him, he has a ton of integrity and not a lot of ego... great mix for a leader, eh? And the idea of the possibility of a community that I might actually be able to almost trust... yet I am afraid my expectations are too high and I will get pulled in and burned... again. 

What the hell? I don't know what Papa's got cooking, but, please, don't let me get suckered again. 

Monday, December 1, 2008

Life and stuff...

Wow, it's been a while since I posted. A lot going on. Sometimes the processing is hard to put into words.

So, I guess to catch you all up, I'll just try a little free-form itemized kind of recap....

My cousin sent me a copy of The Shack, which I have been avoiding because I just get stubborn when anyone tells me I 'should' read something. Takes all the fun out of it for me 'cause now it feels like there are expectations that I will like it as much as they do and want to talk about it... Well, it is a well written book with some powerful things in it and it has pissed me off. Because some of the issues that are in the forefront for me right now... the answers given in this book did not sit well. And I am not sure what to do with that.

My mind and emotions are not getting better as fast as I want them to. I feel like I am going backward. But when I brought that up with my therapist today, she said that I am making good progress. I am delving deeper into the issues. Okay. Delving deeper hurts more - makes it feel like I'm going backward when I'm not. I can see that logically, but it still hurts and I still have moments when I break down and cry - often.

Last Sunday (the 25th), my mom was taken to the hospital and put in ICU. Her throat closed and she couldn't breath. This has happened before. The docs can't figure out the root. She called me on Monday and told me she was in the hospital. I didn't much care (or at least it didn't feel like I did), and that bothers me a little. She went home on Friday, but in the meantime, my sis and I talked on the phone several times and I thought things were going to be good between us. She said she understood that I couldn't go see mom and she was okay with it. She would keep me updated as needed. but then she posted on her blog. Stark reminder for me why I blog under a pseudonym. What she wrote hurt - trust evaporated. Sigh. I did call mom once. She's as manipulative as ever...

I spent my first ever Thanksgiving alone. And it was nice to not have the family pressure.

I realized, while listening to a friend talk about a worship service, at least another part of why that (worship services - church) makes my skin crawl. I still don't trust myself not to be sucked in and deceived again. Ugh. And I am pissed off at preachers in general - the Institutional Church, in general - and the whole religious thing. I'm pissed off that I was used and abused and lied to. Bound in chains of fear from early childhood. I'm pissed that I don't know what the fuck the truth is. And it scares me that I don't know what the fuck the truth is. I'm still afraid that my mom and the IC are right and I'm going to end up having to grovel back. I'm pissed that my mom is telling my molester that she doesn't know why I won't call her or see her.

My heart wants to be lost in Papa - I want to hide  - disappear in Jesus, but I am not sure I even know what that means anymore. 

In a nutshell, I am a scared little girl and I don't know what is expected of me. And I just want a nice dark comfy closet to hide in - to be safe in. And I don't know where to find that.

So, maybe, after this post, it's a good thing I haven't blogged much lately. :-) Sorry for the rawness, but I need to get some of this out.