Friday, January 23, 2009

Just Quit Being...

I'm damaged.
No you're not.
Yes, I'm damaged. It hurts.
Well, it's your own fault.
It's your own fault. You damaged yourself.
I damaged myself? 
By thinking about it and dwelling on it.
Um, no... that's not what damaged me....
Yes, it is.
No. Someone else damaged me. I am not the one who put their your-know-what where it didn't belong.
Well (frowning).... but continuing to dwell on that is what damaged you.
Well, fine. But now it's time to stop.
Stop what?
Being damaged.
Stop being damaged?
Yes. Fine, you were damaged. Now, stop.
Stop? How do I stop?
You just heal, then you stop being damaged.
Just heal? How do I heal?
By not thinking about it.
Not thinking about it?
Yes. Stop thinking about it. Then you will heal and quit being damaged.
I can't stop thinking about it.
You don't want to stop thinking about it.
If you wanted to, you would just stop thinking about it. Then you would quit damaging yourself.
Okay, but....
Um...I will quit thinking about it...
I will quit being damaged...
I will quit being damaged....
About time, too.
I will quit being...
That's enough. Leave it alone, now.
It still hurts.
Well.... you just aren't trying hard enough.
You don't really want it.
You don't care how you make others feel.
I'm sorry.
You make your own problems.
I'm sorry.
Don't expect others to help you fix your own stupid stuff.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...


Danni said...

Oh this is powerful!

In essense this is the church's point of view. I can even hear these words being said.

And the only way it would work is if we could "quit being" - just quit being, altogether.

Avoidance never helped anyone.

-- Danni

Katherine Gunn said...

Danni, thanks.
This is how I was raised... church, family... yeah.

Sue said...

"You don't really want it."


Nawww, of course you don't want it.


Is this the KG tape inside your head from hell? It sounds something like one of mine.

Katherine Gunn said...

Sue, yeah. It's pretty loud...

Dave Faulkner said...

A typical abuser's tactic, then: blame the victim for their own pain. If anyone had any doubt that the church was guilty of abuse or complicit in it, this is evidence. Thanks for the bravery to post this, Katherine.

Katherine Gunn said...

Dave, thanks for that. It is means so much coming from you. So few in your profession are willing to see. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

It's an endless loop, but you CAN heal, the first step is to shut down the voice that says it's your fault.

Kick it to the curb.

A very very cogent and powerful insight into what it feels like to be damaged and then told to get over it, the voice telling you that has no empathy.

Best wishes, Hank

Stormchild said...

Dear God, Katherine,

and I say "Dear God" with all reverence.

I've never seen it captured as completely and relentlessly and honestly as you have captured it here.

I wish with all my heart that it had not captured you.

Hugs and prayers


Katherine Gunn said...


Yeah, I know. Easier said than done. And yes, there is a distinct lack of empathy...

Katherine Gunn said...

Storm, thank you. It helped to get it out in the open. But it is still there...

James said...

Thanks for the thread. I not sure if it’s meant as a poem or just inner reflection. But I read it as poetry because a poem doesn’t have to rhythm.

I always loved poetry and tried to write before our separation and my world fell apart. In fact I wrote one that took me over a month to finish called “The Dark Green Forest“. But after my world fell apart, I found I could write poems quickly and they came pouring out of me like water from a fountain.

I wonder where this new skill came from remembering how hard it was to write my first one. Soon I came to believe that it came from the Holy Spirit. I knew the Holy Spirit is our constant spiritual companion and spiritual healer. Given to us after the Christ left us to join heavenly Father. The Holy Spirit allowed me to use poetry to pour out all the hurt and pain in my heart, giving it up. Allowing other to share in it whenever one would read it. By the Holy Spirit giving me this gift of poetry it started to heal me both emotionally and spiritually. The Holy Spirit used my poetry like tonic to treat my emotional and spiritual wounds. Strange how before this I didn’t think about the Holy Spirit that much and how important the Holy Spirit is to me. How the Holy Spirit is always with me even if I don’t acknowledge it. How the Holy Spirit is ready to teach and heal me. God gave us the Holy Spirit because in his great wisdom knew how much we needed the Holy Spirit. I learn just how important and how much I needed this teacher and healer in my life, my Holy Spirit who I am know closer too then ever before.

James said...

Ms. Gunn,

I like to share my first poem to your readers and yourself the one that took me over a month to finish. I hope you don't mind?

By James A. Phillips

As I walked down the path in the Dark Green Forest
My parents and me.
Who watch me grow to the man I will be.

One day we came upon a fork on the path.
In The Dark Green Forest.

I told my parents
I must travel down this path in the Dark Green Forest.

With sadness in their eyes.
Knowing I was becoming the man I would be
And knew I must travel on this path in the Dark Green

One day I saw a fair woman with dark hair like the Dark
Green Forest.
Soon we walked hand in hand on this path in the Dark Green Forest
Our love became a light to guild us on
The path in the Dark Green Forest.

She gave me a child.
So that there would be three
To walk down the path in the Dark Green Forest
as a family of three

We watch the child grow to the Women she would be.
With dark hair like her mother.
On the path in the Dark Green Forest.

One day we came upon a fork on the path in the Dark Green
She told us she must travel down this path in the Dark Green

Sadness came to me, watching the child who had to leave
And hoping she would meet a man like me.
On the path in the Dark Green Forest.

One day I stop and told my now gray hair Fair women
I am very tired and must rest for awhile.
With tears in her eyes, she laid me down.
Knowing she would bury me there
In the Dark Green Forest.

The fair gray hair women knows

That the Dark Green Forest offers many things

Happiness and Love

But it’s the only place to travel.
To become the people we must be.

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog. Thank you for writing it and for voicing so well what I'm only realizing is true for me, too.

Katherine Gunn said...

Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you are finding it useful.