Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Update....

Wow. Time flies. Here it is 3 months since my last post.... and I'm sitting in Starbucks again using their free wifi....

Well, I have been unemployed now for 3 1/2 weeks. Waiting for (hoping) unemployment to kick in - looking for a job... and finding myself emotionally back in the grinder again. Hmm... maybe while I was working, I didn't have the energy to think too much... haha.

Seriously, the fears of inadequacy - of not being good enough, deserving enough - have surfaced again. And I feel like I have regressed 2 years, and yet I am not as bad as I was then (most of the time). But I realized I still fight the feeling, when I go in to interview for a job or apply for unemployment or register with the local jobs agency, that I have a fear of being in trouble - being told I did it wrong, and therefore not getting any help. And I recognize that goes back to when I was little and the parental tendency to tell me that when I messed up, it was my fault - no help. No comfort, just a lesson. Recognizing it helps some, but it is still tiring. And I am in the place right now where I have just paid November's rent and now have no money and am hoping unemployment kicks in this week....

And, I am back to remembering things from childhood... when I was 2. And I recognize what happened and who did it and that my mother and his mother both knew and covered it up. And that my mom insured my silence by employing religious threats - by somehow making it about hurting God if I talked.... shit! I can't remember exact words or the complete thing, but there are enough fragments that I am mostly settled on the gist of it. And I don't know what to do with it. Part of me wants to look the young man (he was about 16 at the time) and his mother up - I know where she is - and just ask them what the hell happened. But that is a scary proposition.... so.... I will have to work up to that, I think.

Back to the means my mom employed to keep my silence. Talk about a foundational religious twisting - I can't tell anyone or God will be mad at me because it will hurt the church... or something to that effect. And a 2 year old is supposed to be able to process that shit. I think the only thing that really stuck was that I had been bad and God was mad at me.... and that has stayed with me my whole life.

It boggles my mind that these two women, knowing what had happened when I was about 2 1/2, would, when I was 3, have me participate in the defacing of pornographic pictures on the perpetrators bedroom wall. I just can't get my head around how they would think that was okay... in any way... even if nothing had happened....

Ah, well. So , in the midst of this, my mom was taken to the hospital and in ICU for a few days. And there was no emotion for that. Only sadness at the lack of emotion, if that makes sense. I haven't talked to her in about 2 years. And I really have no desire to now. A friend suggested I talk to her about the things that happened when I was 2, but I don't think that would be productive. I think she would pretend not to know and try to convince me that I was mistaken, as she has with so many other things I have brought up. So, I will just keep processing - and job hunting - and trying not to panic... ;-)

8 comments:

Sue said...

Hey, KG. So good to "hear" your "voice" again :)

I can relate so much to that fear of inadequacy, and how scary it feels going for job interviews, etc etc. It makes total sense that you would feel that way after that ... woman covered things up, put the blame onto God, really, didn't she - "It's not MY fault that nothing is being said. It's because of GOD that you can't say anything."

What a horribly weak woman your mother was. You were TWO YEARS OLD, without a voice :( I'm so sorry this happened to you. I feel angry at that fucked-up boy, at your mother, at God. I understand those feelings of inadequacy, and an innocent kid taking the blame for other people's fuck-ups.

Yeah, wow, considering confronting that boy and his family? I think that's such a big one ... gotta build up to that one, definitely, IF you decide to confront them about it.

Agreed: why confront your mother about this stuff if she's gonna play ostrich again? Gotta protect yourself.

I do, for whatever it's worth, think you are doing admirably well in that regard, from what you write here, but I know it probably doesn't feel like that from where you are sitting.

Hope you find work soon xoxoxo

Erin said...

Sick sick sick! That's what comes to mind. As a parent, and even just as an adult, I can't imagine having that attitude about something so sinister. I can only say that I know the manipulations and mind control of some sects can do that to an adult -- to make them care more about the church than about any individual. It's so terrible. I agree with Sue...WEAK is what comes to mind.

I hope you find work soon, too. I wish you some peace and rest, as well.

Anonymous said...

Hi Katherine, good to hear from you again. I'll also be praying for your work situation.

When it comes to your mother, I don't think talking with her will help. Anyways she will just find a way to put the blame on you again or have no idea what you are talking about etc. etc.

We have a friend who finds herself in the same situation as you do and your blog has helped her a lot. Thanks for sharing and fingers crossed for the next job interview :-)

love from this side

abmo said...

Anonymous was me! :-)

Katherine Gunn said...

SUE: thanks. It's good to feel like talking again....

I think talking to my mom would be pointless unless she were to miraculously decide to get honest with herself... thank you for your anger. It actually helps when people respond with anger. I'm not used to that 'normal' reaction... xoxoxox


ERIN: Thanks. :-) It's true that the mind-games some sects play on their members lead to strange priorities. But I don't think that was the case with my mom. I think she knew how much I loved Jesus, even then, and used God fear as a tool to protect her OWN image as the 'good' parent. I think that often, religious manipulation was, with my mom, more than anything a means to an end...

NESTUS: Thanks for your words of encouragement. And your prayers. And thank you for letting me know that my blog has helped someone on your end. I can;t tell you what that means to me. It's humbling and encouraging at the same time.

Erin said...

I want to apologize, because I think I may have not said what I was thinking right...I didn't mean to suggest that the manipulation some churches use is any kind of excuse...I think I just said that because I was watching this video (see my blog) the other day and I was thinking about how insane every bit of it is.

There isn't any excuse for an adult not to protect a child. None. I'm sorry if it seemed like that's what I was saying. :)

Katherine Gunn said...

Erin, you're fine. No apology needed. I was just clarifying that my mom was not one who acted out of manipulation but rather was one of the manipulators. And although the is no excuse for not protecting (Thanks :-) ), there is a difference in motive, which speaks to the extra layer of evilness involved.

placeofgrace said...

Hi K
It's nearly two months later, so please let us know if you have found something and if you are OK?

Our fingers are still crossed :-)