Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Hmm.... it's been a really long time. But... I'm still here.

I finally got a new laptop. Now I just need to get internet at home (I'm sitting in Starbucks at the moment, taking advantage of their free wi-fi).

Wow. What a wild winter - spring - into-summer it has been. Was told that I would really like the TV show "Saving Grace." So, being the "extremist" I can be... I got online and bought the whole series. Wow. At the end of the 1st season, I just laid on my couch and cried. There is so much in the main character that is familiar... including little revelations about God along the way.

Hmm... on July 5th, I passed the 2 year mark since I have seen my mom. Again, wow. She sent me a note in the mail a couple of months ago. She has made me her MPOA (Medical Power of Attorney). My therapist was shocked, wondered at my mom's sanity... :-) I was surprised. It never occurred to me that I could use that power badly - I would not abuse that position. Anyway, at the end of it, she wrote 2 simple lines. But let me back up. When I opened my mailbox and saw the letter, before I ever picked it up and looked at it, I knew it was from her. When I sat down and started oepning it, my hands were shaking and I started to cry. This is how much she can still twist me up after 2 years of no contact. Anyway, back to the 2 lines...

"I don't know why you have cut me out of your life, since you won't tell me. But I still love you and miss you."

Hmm... these 2 sentences really twisted me up. Still do, a little. To those who don't know her - or only know her 'public' face, it may seem innocuous enough. But that first sentence is an accusation that fairly drips with annoyance and sarcasm. There have been no calls or notes asking how I was doing or if there was anything she could do. Just this. So... on it goes. I did not respond to her. Just spent a few days (weeks) twisting and doubting myself and my choices....oy.

Well, today I was informed that I am being laid off and my last day is September 30th. I'm glad they gave me 60 days notice. Not as worried as the situation might suggest I should be. I have no savings or margin. But.... there is an expectant peace. As soon as I found out, I knew that the next step in this dance with God had arrived. Not sure what it's going to look like. I may move to California. (Hi, Tyler!) I may move to New York. I don't know. California is the highest likelihood from what I can see right now, but my vision is far from clear.

Not sure how often I'll be able to post. I was hitching a ride on a neighbors unsecured wi-fi (shhh) until this afternoon. He got smart and secured it. So, Starbucks or a local restaurant to use their free wi-fi.

Hmm... there has been so much I have learned these last few months, but I can't find the words right now. Maybe it's the setting. Ice clinking, blenders blending, jazz playing....

10 comments:

Erin said...

Well, hello! So nice to see you!

I'm sorry your mom saw fit to "drop in" on you like that...it seems so insincere from where I sit. And then, I hate it when things make us second-guess the decisions we know are best.

It sounds like you have peace about your job. I'm sure California would love you, as would Oregon. :)

Katherine Gunn said...

Hmm... my sis & bro-in-law lived in Vancouver for a couple of years and loved it... :-)

Sue said...

I second what Erin said. Good to "see" you :)

Katherine Gunn said...

Hi, Sue. Good to "see" you, too! :-)

Manuela said...

hi, nice to hear how you are... and I understand about the twisted feelings that can pop up when setting healthy boundaries with parents. It's been over two years since I've seen, contacted or responded to my father.
...all the best to you

Katherine Gunn said...

Thanks, Manuela.

abmo said...

Hi Katherine, just wondering if your future plans have developed? :-)

How are you?

Katherine Gunn said...

Hey, Nestus! Nice to hear from you. Hmm... no - nothing has developed except time has passed and I have 2 1?2 weeks left at this job.... still think I'm moving to California, but not sure when yet.... probably be a "suddenly"...

Mike said...

Hi Katherine ~ Long time no see! Now I'm curious as the time has passed; what are you doing nowadays?
I hope all is well with you.

Katherine Gunn said...

Hey, Mike! Nice to hear from you. :-)

Hmm... what have I been up to....

I think I will post on that soon. :-)